Queens of NC-17
Welcome to the sleepover with those girls your parents warned you about. Crude, lewd, with major attitude, Ande and Eanna are here to talk the best and rarest of NC-17 and every gem in-between. Stay tuned. STAY NASTY. (WARNING: FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. UNDER 17 REQUIRES ADULT SUPERVISION.)
Queens of NC-17
Episode 386- Sweet 16
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WARNING: FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. UNDER 17 REQUIRES ADULT SUPERVISION.
This week we are discussing a TERRIBLE movie that's problematic in like 4,000 ways, written terribly, and has not one single redeeming quality - so you know the episode is going to be kind of hilarious. Tune in while we talk about "Sweet 16" (1983).
Instagram: @queensofnc17
Music: @tobaxxo
It literally smells like I can't smell it. That's good. I can't smell it at all. I think I'm fine. What I ate that is doing this to me.
SPEAKER_03I don't think it's your food. I think it's me. I think it's your ass's way of communicating with you.
SPEAKER_05It's just excited to see you.
SPEAKER_03Well, don't you notice it's worse on nights we recorded? It is. And much like the dogs know the sound of my car, perhaps your asshole also knows the sound of my car. Because generally it's right before I get here, you go, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I've been fine all day. But right now, maybe your bobby's just excited to see me. Maybe it is. Who are you?
SPEAKER_05I'm Andy. Who are you?
SPEAKER_03I'm Iana.
SPEAKER_05We're Queens of NZ17. Woo-hoop! We're back again, three weeks in a row.
SPEAKER_03That's a pretty big accomplishment. And as you all may know, not only are we also doing Queens of Reality TV, where we are nearing the finale of For the Love of Rey J. So get fucking into it. But also, Andy does Sisters in Space. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So you guys, we just did an episode about Bob Lazar. I'm so bad at posting on Sisters in Space, but if you could follow us on Sisters in Space, just go.
SPEAKER_03You guys, listen, if you follow and interact, maybe she will be able to do it. Because you know her sister doesn't know that the internet exists.
SPEAKER_05Which is on a flip phone. Um, but we did an episode about Bob Bob Lazar. Boo-doo-noot, tunu noot, bob lazar, boblazar.
SPEAKER_03Did she do that with you? Of course. Okay. Um, of course. Sometimes I don't know where the line is between her and me. I've told you before, sometimes when I listen, I think it is me, and then I'm like, oh, that's Gemma. We why do we have the same voice? That's true.
SPEAKER_05I totally don't.
SPEAKER_03Well, no, we don't sometimes when she speaks, I'm like, I just remember being on that show.
SPEAKER_05Also, we did briefly talk about a possible crossover because there's like an alien movie that came out. Would she watch it? Yeah. Does she know our format?
SPEAKER_03Has she ever done this?
SPEAKER_05No. Or has she ever listened? No, probably not. Because she doesn't even she can't even listen to her own podcast. She like barely that's right. She doesn't know how to download a podcast listening app. It's crazy. But I was like, we do have three mics. Like, if we ever wanted to do a crossover episode where we review an alien movie together, it would be so interesting to see what the energy is like.
SPEAKER_03I know we are so in sync just from so many years of screaming at each other. And you and her are in sync from screaming at each other in a familial way and have learned violent ways. Yeah, but you had like you had a technique, yeah, an argument style that you both used. And she has a background of professional arguing, so she does. She knows how to speak.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So I feel like it could be really interesting. It could be. Or it could be total trash and we just throw it away and she will never know. We'll be like, oh, it's our most popular episode ever.
SPEAKER_05She won't know it. She'd have no fucking customer. She'd have no clue. Um, but it's kind of funny though, because like for those of you who have listened to Sissers in Space, you'll know that like I do cuss sometimes because that just do be who I am. Yeah. But generally speaking, Jim is like really like she never cusses. That's so funny.
SPEAKER_03I know she's very like PG. She will cuss when we're out and about. Like, she'll let her hair down a little bit if we're just hanging.
SPEAKER_05But she knows her kids are listening to the podcast.
SPEAKER_03Yes. So like Oh, that's funny.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, and also this is fucking hilarious. So not that my mom has ever listened to this because I have forbade her.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_05But she listened to an episode of Sisters in Space and said it sucked. She was like, I just didn't think it was funny. I didn't think it was interesting.
SPEAKER_03Wow. Yeah, bitch. Dude, moms have really, really crossed. Dude. Author. Here's the thing that's really hard too. Andy's mom is so goddamn supportive of me of me. Of you. No, this is what I was gonna say because my mom, obviously, we haven't spoken in years. Like, things are not good over there. But your mom, since the day I met her, she had no goddamn reason to like me. She loved you, dude. To think I was a good person. Like, I think she missed I think she thought I was a good person because I had a kid.
SPEAKER_05And if I remember correctly, the first time you met my mom was when you and my mom both came to rescue me from my abusive excess. Was that the first time we met? Yes. It's pretty good. Because I remember leaving the house and my mom could not stop talking about how pretty your smile is. And I was like, okay, listen, I'm literally running for my fucking life. At the time! I put a pin in how hot my best friend is. Like, just for a set, like literally, mom, I agree with you, holy, but like also, like, my life is actively falling abroad around.
SPEAKER_03That's so funny. Do you remember when Finn and I were coming, we got a bumblebee stuck in the truck? Yes. And we were borrowing my boyfriend's truck, and he let me borrow it, but it was completely out of gas, and I couldn't figure out how to get gas in it because it was old and it had like a key and I didn't navigate. And I was like, I am in a rush.
SPEAKER_05I'm trying to save my friend. Yeah, he was only gonna be out of the house for like an hour and a half. Like I had a very small window. I was so getting the fuck out of there.
SPEAKER_03And Finn was little, so it was like tiny.
SPEAKER_05That was crazy.
SPEAKER_03That's so funny. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_05I never So I think my mom loves you. You were the one who was there for me to help me. Like my mom knew you were a good person from the jump. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03It just breaks my heart that like they're so willing to look past all the things about the other person that they don't like, but then their own kid, they're like, no, you've you gotta answer for that.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_03Gianna said the bad word. Well, well, you let her say it. So that's probably your fault. You made her say that. Uh also. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05So whenever uh Gemma came over, she actually brought her daughter. So the Bob Lazar episode.
SPEAKER_03She was here to listen.
SPEAKER_05Yes, my niece was on the episode for just a second. She like says hello or something.
SPEAKER_03That's so cute. She's so shy. She's so shy.
SPEAKER_05She barely, like, it was so funny. Like, I had like amplify her voice because she was like so shy about talking to the mic.
SPEAKER_03Y'all, we've talked about this briefly, not to detour too far, but your sister used to hire me to play princesses at your life. Yeah, my niece's birthday. And they're some of the funniest. They're the funniest pictures we've ever taken.
SPEAKER_05You as Belle, I was the cookie monster. Like, we just alternated who. If it was a full head costume, mascot costume, I did it. Yeah. If not, it was you. Yeah. But every time we did it, she was fucking terrified.
SPEAKER_03Horrified. And after like the third year, I remember saying to your sister, like, listen, I really appreciate this money. You're giving me, but I think she hates this. Like, I think I'm ruining her childhood, and I would really like to stop.
SPEAKER_05No, but it was so funny. It's so funny.
SPEAKER_03But now when I see your sister, I'm or when I see your niece, I'm just like, someday I'll tell you about how many times I've terrified you.
SPEAKER_05She's so funny. She's so sweet. She is the sweetest thing ever. But like she came over and she did such a good job. She literally pet the dogs for the entire episode, which is long. Then she sat on the floor with cabbage for an hour after. Um, and Iana was kind enough to buy us a whole carton of candy cigarettes. Well, chalk cigarettes. We're not gonna, we're not gonna go small. No.
SPEAKER_03If we're doing chalk, we want the whole case.
SPEAKER_05Big. Yes, we'll have all of them, please. She had never seen that before. She had never seen that before deprived children. I know.
SPEAKER_03She's probably never seen a smartphone either.
SPEAKER_05Right? So I gave her one. No, she has not seen a smartphone. She doesn't have anything like that.
SPEAKER_03Poor baby.
SPEAKER_05I know I tried to give her a Nintendo Switch with Pokemon for Christmas. Denied. Wow. My sister doesn't want that to influence my technology at all.
SPEAKER_03She's right, but it's gonna backfire. It's gonna backfire. Because one day that girl is gonna be 16 and be like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I know. Yeah. Wait till she finds out about her bean, dude. That's gonna blow her mind. I don't want to talk about Benisa's bean. I'm just saying some of them. You don't want to talk about that. Same time she finds out about smartphones and Pokemon, she's gonna learn about her bean. It's gonna be a hard day for her. No. It's gonna be a hard day, and she's gonna be like, I need to know.
SPEAKER_05No, she better not come out. I knew about this! Yeah, I knew about it. So I gave her some candy cigarettes. She is so funny though, like she is very sentimental, so she didn't eat any of them right away. Like, she wants to hold on to them. So when she got home, I apparently started like World War III between her and her brother because she didn't want to eat them yet, didn't want to share them, just wanted to like hold on to them forever because that's like how sweet she is.
SPEAKER_03And everybody, please just clock that we, as Andy said, have an entire carton.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, but I only gave them one because I wanted them to fight.
SPEAKER_03Because Andy's entire childhood was marred with her sister torturing her about things.
SPEAKER_05Best moments of my childhood were beating my sister's ass.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05That is just fact.
SPEAKER_03She did beat your ass a few times too.
SPEAKER_05Dude, once or twice.
SPEAKER_03She put her hands.
SPEAKER_05Maybe she didn't win, but she tried. She tried. Yeah. She she had hit me first most of the time. Sure, sure. My sister. You just finish it. She started it, you finished it. That is always how it went. My sister's MO was to hit and run. Which was such a punk ass shit. She would clock me. And I mean hard. So like she could hit hard because she was a little bigger than me, but like she'd punch me straight in the face and then she'd run with the and then she would like be like, Mom, Andy's chasing me. And she would close a door. You know, but like if I could get my foot in, it was game over and I would womp her, dude.
SPEAKER_03And this is why Andy is so strong today.
SPEAKER_05Yes. That's how I learned how to fight was just me and my sister fighting all the time. But my point is, I wanted them to fight. Incredible work. They deserve that. No, deserve no memories. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05You gotta throw a little bit of chalk in there every now and then.
SPEAKER_03You have a different role.
SPEAKER_05Shake it up. Your job. The only other thing that happened this week, and this is very, very brief story. I ended up in Monroville. This happens sometimes. Okay. There is a vegetarian Krishna restaurant out there. Sure. Okay. So I ended up back out in that area. Yeah. But there was a line around the building I should you know to get in that country. So we were like, no, let's just go to that Chinese buffet. $11 a person. That's a price that you can't get in the city. Can't be beat. So we ate there, and on the way out, you know, there's like that pet store next door. Yeah. Bitch! What did you buy? I didn't buy anything. But have you ever heard of a chihoueney?
SPEAKER_03A chihuahua weenie dog? Yeah. They're too cute. You can't have it. Think about how stupid it is. Think about how much pressure is in its head.
SPEAKER_05No, it's listen to me. It's too small. It was less than one pound. He said it wasn't gonna get over seven pounds. No. They hand me this little chow. First of all, he fit in one hand. I'm not fucking kidding, guys. Its head was its nose. No. Eyes. It's a rat all over. No, no, no. It had silky. It looked like a little Guillermo. It literally had his same coloring. But what was so great is it had like short hair everywhere, except it had that dash hound long crimped hair by its ears. Your hair. No. Oh my god. I held it. I held it and I just kissed it and kissed it and kissed it. And when I set it down, it would start crying. So I'd pick it back up and hold it. And Andrew named it Milkshake, which was a really cruel thing to do because he I thought when he named it, he was gonna buy it.
SPEAKER_03Okay, just give me his name, Stuff. I know he is wrong. You can't just make it his name. No. Everything about that was cruel, and I blame him. Thank you. Yes, but you cannot, because those dogs they have too much pressure in their heads, and that's why they're a nightmare, and they're super codependent, and you cannot have a codependent dog. I'm totally fine with a codependent dog.
SPEAKER_05No, no. The problem is I have you got these two stomper stompers over here. Yermo would be very upset to see something that looks like him but is actually small. Because I tell him he's the smallest boy in the world. He is 39 pounds. He's not. He would jump off. He would kill himself, and I can't have that because he means the world to me. Also, this dog was literally half the size of Anya's head. I know. And Anya is a monster. Yeah, she would have crushed its back. Like, even if she didn't mean to you guys, like she'll step on me and I scream. Like she would have killed it.
SPEAKER_03So it was she I've watched her rip your nipples off at least five times until they're trying to go. Because they regenerate. Yeah, thank goodness. They're better every time, I think.
SPEAKER_05But also crazy work. Like, you just have to ask the price because I feel like you take the dog out to play with it. You just kind of like have to ask to act like you're interested. Do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah, I mean, this is well within my price range, but what exactly are we talking?
SPEAKER_05Five grand I was like, yeah, I'll just there's like thousands of chihuahuas that need rescued. I'll just get one of them whatever.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'll just go buy a rat.
SPEAKER_05Like, I'll just go buy a rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I had the batteries.
SPEAKER_05Like fever rats or like three bugs.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'll put a headband on it.
SPEAKER_05Like, what are you talking about? Fucking five dollars.
SPEAKER_03Five thousand dollars. What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_05What are you talking about? And so, you guys, I used to work at this pet store just for a couple weeks. The birds had viral chlamydia and everyone was a hospital.
SPEAKER_03That's how we found out that birds give chlamydia.
SPEAKER_05Give chlamydia. So I was hired to take on the birds.
SPEAKER_04It was fucked up.
SPEAKER_03Betty was hired on to receive the chlamydia from all. And I was willing. Yeah. She was like, that seems funny. I love birds. Um but didn't they also have the like super old tortoise that used to roam the shop? They did.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I'm not sure whatever happened. Hopefully they came to the zoo, truthfully. Um but I went, I worked there and I ended up leaving because I am an animal rights activist. I thought it was extremely inhumane practice, uh, like getting dogs from breeders and selling them for but what I'm saying, what my whole point of this story is just that when I worked there, I think the most expensive dog was 2,750.
SPEAKER_02Sure, sure, sure.
SPEAKER_05You know what I mean? Five thousand for a dog that weighs less than one pound.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like if we're doing we're doing fucking veal prices over here, that dog is still not worth it. Insane.
SPEAKER_05But I was heartbroken.
SPEAKER_03Thanks a lot, Joe Biden.
SPEAKER_05I know, and I keep thinking about him. I'll like ask, I'll ask Andrew, like, have you have you thought about milkshake? And he's like, I I haven't thought about him since we saw him. I'm like, that's that's crazy that he named him and then hasn't thought about it. I agree. It's a little psychopathic.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05So anyway, that's my story.
SPEAKER_03Tell a girl you love her and never call her. And never call her again.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, because he held milkshake, named milkshake. He kissed it on its you guys, its nose had to be literally a quarter of an inch. It was so small.
SPEAKER_03It's a trap because right now he's perfect. Six months from now, that is a thing you want to put in the trash. No! They're so bad, dude. I don't care, man. Both kinds, the worst kinds. No. And they can put them together. It's the it's codependent in a way that is not cute, funny. Like, you think Anya trying to get inside your mouth hole while you're doing anything is annoying. I know it's extra hard because she's big and dumb and strong. His tongue's literally like the size of the tip of my tongue. Do you know what tiny dogs do since they're so small and they can't get they make noise. Shrill. Painful. Stop. No, I'm saving you from yourself because I unwritten something.
SPEAKER_05Not something small. Not that small. That's too small.
SPEAKER_03It's too small. And then think about it this way. Think about how cute it will be in the bed. Don't try and get me involved in this. Think about Oreoing that teeny little dog. Do you know what I want in my house? No pets. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, well, that's where I'm at because everything is terrible. Okay, what's going on with you, babe? Dolly Parton died today. And everybody knows that now, and it's old fucking news, but it happened today and I ruined everyone's day. Good. I ruined everyone's day by telling them this news. Um, and then I did have a really sweet moment where one of my coworkers came out of a meeting room at like within seconds of the news breaking, and he looked me in the eyes and he said, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I was like, Correct. Thank you. Respect. Respect. Um that happened. I got bit by a spider twice on my hand. I'm pussing something gross. I'm swollen and have like a weird goiter on my wrist. You're gonna turn into Spider-Man. Yeah, but I don't want that responsibility.
SPEAKER_05I don't want because like you don't have to save anybody, dude.
SPEAKER_03Well, I know, but like what I'm trying to imagine is if I have these powers, how do I make sure nobody knows except for us? And I just use it to like get the remote. You know what I mean? Like, like, how do I use it?
SPEAKER_05Like to grab the door dash on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Without getting up.
SPEAKER_03Like, I'm trying to imagine a world where I do the least, but these these here, I'll just say this.
SPEAKER_05Don't go hang around on buildings. Don't go swinging from buildings, which I know you wouldn't do anyway. Girl, I problem solved. It's just not a problem. Some weird risk cum. You know? Risk cum could be kind of interesting.
SPEAKER_03I can think of a few things we could do with that.
SPEAKER_05Imagine a guy comes up to you. Yes. His breath sinks.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I just web him. Is that a leap? No. Goodbye. It's my favorite tap. Uh we have mice at work and they are multiplying by an alarming rate. And one tried to jump in my mouth yesterday while I was trying to catch it. It was very, very, very distressing. I threw out my back while trying to catch it. So that was a thing that happened. Um, yeah, so I'm Spider Man. Uh you could web all the mice. A mouse tried to become one with me. Uh what else happened? We went to a baby shower. We did go to a baby shower, and it seems like it worked. Right. They may or may not be in labor right the fuck now.
SPEAKER_05We're not sure. It seems like they might be, we'll see, right?
SPEAKER_03It's a little early, but apparently, this is a thing that I learned that I forget sometimes. They, when I was pregnant, now this is many lifetimes ago, but when I was pregnant, they kept basing my delivery date based on when I told them my last period was. And then every time I would go to a doctor's appointment, they would be like, Well, based on the last date of your last period, and I'm like, Oh, I made that up.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I'd always make that up. Anytime a doctor asks me, this is an estimate. This is less than an estimate.
SPEAKER_03It's an educated guess, a somewhat educated guess. Somewhat educated guess. It's as educated a guess as your guess because back in them days I was not regular. And obviously, I wasn't doing anything to like control. You know what I mean? You don't get pregnant if you're trying not to, usually. So I was doing some dumbass shit. But I kept every appointment I went to, they'd be like, based on your last period. And I was like, please don't. Please don't. Stop talking about her. Yeah, to base it off of that instead of some bullshit I made up. Made up panicked at a doctor's appointment as a 22-year-old when they're like, we think you're pregnant. And I was like, Well, that's that can't be right. That can't be true because I've been getting nutted in left and right all year. Right, so it can't be me.
SPEAKER_05Couldn't you? Did I ever tell you about the time I'm gonna be pregnant? Maybe you're pregnant. Maybe you're pregnant. Bitch, did I ever tell you about the time I went to a MedExpress for fucking mono? And they asked if you were pregnant. No, bitch. The nurse came busting in the room and said, You know you're pregnant, right? That's a fucking malprecation. And I was like, What? And she looked at the door and was like, oh my god, not you. I'm sorry. Close it. And I looked at my mom and she was like, I was going to strangle you.
unknownYour mom was in the room.
SPEAKER_05My mom was in the room. Yeah, because I was like 14 or whatever. And you were like, I have been fucking, but I know. Like, I and that's like that age where like you maybe just had a tip and you're like, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03You think you can get pregnant by thinking about it. Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, dude. So anyway. Holy shit. I know.
SPEAKER_03I almost should have malpracticed that bitch. I wonder. She probably laughed her ass off. She was.
SPEAKER_05I hope she does that to everyone. I hope she just went through every door and did that.
SPEAKER_03Should we do that? Like, we don't work there, but should we put scrub pump?
SPEAKER_05It would be even funnier if we just got a receptionist job and like once a day just did that around the office. Like, we're not even involved in the medical shit at all. But what is like, yeah.
SPEAKER_03We'll just every time I have a doctor's appointment moving forward.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, you just do it a couple like I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. And then on your way to the bathroom, just you're probably pregnant, right? Oh, wrong room. Scary as shit.
SPEAKER_03That's so funny.
SPEAKER_05But yeah, so to your point, that's so funny. So they get it wrong sometimes.
SPEAKER_03They do get it wrong from time to time. Um, what else? Oh, I had to cut my husk in half.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah, man. I almost turned my colon inside out. It's it got really serious. Husk. Yeah. I had to I had to I had to down husk a little bit. Please de-husk. I have husked, I have half husked. Husk up, you're life. Every boy and every girl, husk up your life. Or don't, you know what I mean? Yeah, or like half husk husk. Half husk it. So I'm doing better now, and I have uh pretty much kept my butthole on the inside. So I'm really excited about that. Um, have seen Andy's boyfriend's butthole, can confirm it, it's pink. Thank you. So saw it at the baby shower, everything's good.
SPEAKER_05Um, one of the games was just like show your butthole.
SPEAKER_03Guess the butthole. It was guess the butthole. Guess the butthole. Guess the butthole.
SPEAKER_05And it was like And like a few of us disappeared, so you had to guess like whose asshole it was.
SPEAKER_03It was like a glory hole situation. Yeah, but just butthole. And everyone's thought it was you, because that's how pretty it was.
SPEAKER_05Because it was so pretty and pink.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Which I appreciate. But um, and that's my updates. So you want to talk about this fucking horrible ass video. I'm so sorry.
SPEAKER_02Where are you going? I've got to return some video games.
SPEAKER_03I will say, generally speaking, when you apologize for a movie, I'm like, you don't gotta apologize. Um this one I hold you accountable for.
SPEAKER_05This is so bad. You guys, I don't claim this. I'm just saying this right, like, I don't fucking claim this. This movie's called Sweet 16. I thought it was gonna be another like paranormal girl coming of age. This is nothing but like a super racist. It's so racist.
SPEAKER_03Fucked up movie. It's it's everything that's wrong with the country, and maybe if it weren't all the things that are happening right now in the evangelical Christian world. So this was made in 1983, right? Yes, 1983 was the year of my birth.
SPEAKER_05The year of your birth. Yeah. This is written by Erwin Goldman and directed by Jim Sodos, which is crazy because Jim Sodos did the last victim. We love that movie. Correct. But this writer, Erwin Goldman, has done nothing else. Like, this is the and thank God. Thank God I was so bad.
SPEAKER_03That's the outcome because this there are so many problems with this movie. And it's not uh it's not from a woke liberal perspective. It's just from a don't be a fucking cocksucker.
SPEAKER_05Also, this movie, like just the pacing of it and the The story itself is kind of trash. So, like, we'll obviously get into it. That's what we're here for. And like, we're not gonna beat a dead horse, but like the movie just sucks. It sucks. There's no point to it. And it's racist as fuck. So, like, it sucks and it's fucking racist. So, like, if you want to watch it, it's on Tubi, but like you should probably just listen to this.
SPEAKER_03Are you into seeing uh the titties of a 25-year-old woman we're all saying it's 15? Okay, girl. Twice and her little ass pussy? Twice.
SPEAKER_05I I was like, she's supposed to be 15. They've made it such a point this.
SPEAKER_03Why do you think we're doing it, girl? Because the world is made of. What is that? What?
SPEAKER_05That's not me this time.
SPEAKER_03No, it was her mouth. I just put my old foot in her mouth. She could have stopped it. No, she loved that. I just was trying to-cam. I know, but I gotta paint my toenails.
SPEAKER_05Also, are you sure that was her mouth because her asshole's facing your foot and her mouth is over now?
SPEAKER_03No, she just turned her face. I checked. Are you sure that didn't go into her foot? It's my left foot. I was on her lips. Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Or I'm just checking because her asshole is huge. No, I know. My poor dog, you guys.
SPEAKER_03Big target 40% asshole.
SPEAKER_0560% asshole. She's a big dog. What does she weigh? Anya? Yeah. I think she weighed. Oh, she gained weight. Yeah. She weighs like 64 pounds now. She's in a new weight bracket that all of the flea and tick that I got her no longer applies. Oh, great.
SPEAKER_03Like birth control. Right. Or plan B also. Plan B. How big you had to be for plan B? I think it's like over 150. It doesn't work.
SPEAKER_05Good, because I just had to take them.
SPEAKER_03And uh congrats! I'm not congratulations on getting nutted in. I assume that's how you ended up.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, so the problem is I'm on these antibiotics for like a medication. I know it sounds like I have an STD. I don't. She does not. Um, I have a skin condition that's like, you know. They're trying. It's yeah. They're trying everything. They're trying what they can. And the antibiotic makes your birth control less null and voice. Yes. Nice. So the deal was no crumbins in uh lovin's. He forgot about that. And I was having too much fun to say anything. So as soon as it was over, I was like, we gotta go to Giant Eagle, babe. Ballad, first of all.
SPEAKER_03Second of all, you can door dash that shit. Third of all I think we're on our way to the baby shower!
unknownYeah!
SPEAKER_04I was like, I'm gonna stop there real quick.
SPEAKER_03We gotta get him a card anyway. I was like, I'll pick up the plan B. Absolutely phenomenal work to pick up a baby shower card and plan B. That's sick. You should have slipped an extra one in there.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god, that's so funny.
SPEAKER_03I don't think her Christian family would have enjoyed that as much as we would. I would have loved it though. That's funny. It's funny as shit. We should moving forward, if we ever get invited to another baby shower, maybe this be the last friend in our age bracket getting pregnant. Maybe. Um, but we should always include a plan B because that's just a funny guess.
SPEAKER_05This is the last one. And I was like, That's crazy. Because we were this close to not having that. And I feel like next time I'm here, I'm gonna stock up on a couple of those because I feel like I'm using these a little too often.
SPEAKER_03As a friend who loves you more than anything, ain't no set of stairs. I won't push you down.
SPEAKER_05Thank you so much.
SPEAKER_03I've seen you fall, so I think you'll be fine. Thank you. It'll be slow, but you won't be pregnant. Right. Yeah. No, yeah. Slow but hard. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's I got you. We're going face first. We'll put a helmet on. It's fine. We'll protect your face. We want to go stomach first if we can. I know, but we do, you'll put your motorcycle helmet on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, it was $600. Let's put it to the table.
SPEAKER_03You put mine on. I don't use it.
SPEAKER_05That's so funny.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So anyway, what's this shit ass movie about?
SPEAKER_03Well, uh, supposedly it's a psychological thriller. Maybe a serial killer flick. But it's about murder and mayhem that seem to surround the new girl in town as her 16th birthday approaches. That's enough.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I mean, the movie is called Sweet 16. This girl's gonna be 15, okay? So it's a dark and stormy night. Of course it is. Marcy has this incredible nightmare. God, she's beautiful. Okay, so Marcy and Melissa are like our two female leagues. They look identical.
SPEAKER_03The only reason I know they're different is because Marcy has a really nice mole on her left cheek, and it's quite prominent during this gothic fantasy.
SPEAKER_05Yes. Also, Melissa. Is that her name? Yes.
SPEAKER_03She's gonna be like the babe that every guy throws the everybody's new in town and everybody wants their cli in her.
SPEAKER_05And I'm not saying they're both not beautiful, but I thought Marcy was the one. Okay. Yep. Yeah, I was like, no one looks at Marcy, but she's like, like, she's the fucking catch here.
SPEAKER_03Not to give any credit to this douchebag writer. Yeah. But I think Marcy, just to give some context, we don't have to go fully in order, but Marcy is the daughter of the sheriff. Yeah. Right? So she's off limits.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Maybe that's what it is.
SPEAKER_03Melissa is new in town, and her dad is a fake British archaeologist. Yes. I don't know if he's a fake archaeologist, but he is fake.
SPEAKER_05I would assume he's also a fake archaeologist if I'm being honest.
SPEAKER_03If we're lying, we're lying. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? If he's lying, he's lying. So I think part of what makes gross boys extra gross is they love the idea of a girl who ain't here for a long time.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Because she's only gonna be here for like three months or something. Yeah, that's so true. So Marcy has a nightmare because she just reads murder mysteries before bed, and I was like, oh, innocent Marcy.
SPEAKER_03Again, 1983, very cute.
SPEAKER_05Yes, very cute. But this like castle she's in.
SPEAKER_03It's immediately I was like, I didn't know this was a period piece vampire film. I was excited. I was very excited. Don't be nothing else looks like this for the rest of the movie.
SPEAKER_05They had this for an hour. They filmed this for no reason. In a haunted house, they got the footage and then we threw it away.
SPEAKER_04I was so disappointed. Same.
SPEAKER_05So um we have like it cuts from her like waking up being like, oh, I read too much murder mysteries to like the biggest, rowdiest alcoholic kicking his way into a bar screaming, his name's Billy.
SPEAKER_03Billy sucks. Billy sucks. Billy sucks really bad. And Billy has a friend who also sucks really bad. The only drop, the only crumb of compliment I will give this man is that I do wish more men would unbutton their shirts down to their belly button.
SPEAKER_04Agreed.
SPEAKER_03I just feel like in general, like if we're not cropping, if we're not starting from the bottom up, I want it out. Dump them out. I want your titties out. If you don't feel comfortable with them out, stay home. Stay home. Stay the fuck home because it's the only contribution this man gave to this film. It is. It was a Terry-ass titties.
SPEAKER_05Also, he has, and not to give him any more credit, but like he does have a Tom Waits look about him. Like he has a very like his fit is good, his face is very masculine. Words come out of both of their mouths, and I'm like, just kill them both. Kill them both now. So yeah, I don't even ever get Billy's friend. We'll just call him Billy's friend. It doesn't matter. It's in my notes somewhere, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So we have a Native American man named Greyfeather who comes in.
SPEAKER_03Beautiful man. Seems very chill, is just trying to get a beer. But you can tell this is a confrontation that's happened before.
SPEAKER_05Yes. This is not the first time. Absolutely not. And they are absolutely fucking terrible to him.
SPEAKER_03And I'm guessing we're in Texas, right? Yes, we are. Okay. It's not like explicitly said, but I see like a I love Austin sticker at some point.
SPEAKER_05And later on, they have like a Texas barbecue. Sure, sure. And she's like, the mom, Melissa's mom is like from here originally. And she says something like, I wanted to give my daughter a good old-fashioned Texas barbecue. We're from the north now, or whatever, like weird shit. So Jason Long Shadow, hot baby. Hot baby long hair. Jason long hair, long shadow. Jason. Probably long other things. Yeah, Jason long hair, long shadow, long dong. Give it. Yes. He's like way fine though.
SPEAKER_03He's beautiful.
SPEAKER_05He is his body is right.
SPEAKER_03Everything. Everything about him is right. He's a gorgeous man. That's not the focus, but we're just saying. No, he's we're just saying that's why everybody's mad.
SPEAKER_05That's why everyone hates him because he walks in and there is some very racist language used. Seriously. Immediately. So fucking d it's disgusting.
SPEAKER_03So Grayfeather walks in and basically Billy and his boyfriend start uh like shitting on him immediately, knock his hat off, spit on his hat. Like they're just saying horrible things to him. Jason comes in immediately to his defense. Jason is doing it in that like strong, silent, like.
SPEAKER_05He's like, pick up his fucking hat and they're like, you pick it up. They dude, Jason, essentially, what's gonna happen is Jason long womps him, takes out the trash.
SPEAKER_03He takes out the trash. He fucks both these fucking loser ass bitches up while also holding a crocodile dunby ass hunting bowie. Seriously.
SPEAKER_05It's big as shit, yeah. Yeah, and he doesn't even have to use it. He's like one-handed, just taking the table.
SPEAKER_03He's just holding it as a reminder.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that I could.
SPEAKER_03He's like long everything. Don't you forget it. He said, This is the shortest thing on my body. Right?
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_03Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_05So bartender Earl breaks it up by aiming a gun at him. Like, and he's like, we don't want any trouble, Jason.
SPEAKER_03I'm like, dude, Jason didn't start the trouble. Yeah, if you notice, Jason came in here and regulated. But they're all racists, is the problem. Of course.
SPEAKER_05Jason and Greyfeather go to leave when this like slutty parking lot child walks up.
SPEAKER_03Bro, what? Is her eye? At first I was like, she's a lot lizard, right? Like, yeah, no, same. I was like, okay, she's working. She's doing a work. She's trying to get to the next town. She's getting from here to the next space. But she shows up and she throws her pussy at Jason in such a foul and like, uh, I understand the urge. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I also would not be smooth while throwing my pussy at Jason. I understand. And I also would have done it at 15. Yeah. I listen now in retrospect. I see a lot of moments where I threw my 15-year-old pussy at annoying men.
SPEAKER_05I did. And I was like, Or tried. It never was successful.
SPEAKER_03No, I mean I did it and they were like, please go home. And I was like, why am I such a monster? And now I just know. Now you see it for what he does. I was 15 and they weren't pedophiles. And I do appreciate that. That's so nice to know. Good on them. So nice to know. I have the list of the ones who didn't qualify. But but she's just like, she's so nasty, and she's like, you know, you want it. Don't you want to party? And Jason literally grabs her and like pushes her away and he says, You need to go home.
SPEAKER_05Now, so a couple people witness this. We learned their names are gonna be Johnny and Herb. Hank? Hank. This is a good guess. Four letters. It's okay. Start with an age. Yep. So I almost said it again. Hank and Johnny witness this altercation where like he grabs her by the arm and he's like, You gotta get out of here. You gotta get out of here. He's truly saying, like, not interested. You need to go home. There's some rowdy dudes in here.
SPEAKER_03Don't go inside. It's not a safe place for you. She's like, Wow, I can't believe you tried to rape me in this parking lot in front of everybody. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Girl, what?
SPEAKER_03She's offended and she's upset. She hurt her. Her butt is hurt her. Yeah, her butt is hurt because he doesn't take her up on fucking her because he's a grown-up adult. And then so Jason and Greyfeather get in the world's smallest Dotson truck. I know. So fucking cute and they burn out. But so now the two gentlemen who have just witnessed are not, in fact, gentlemen, Herb and uh Johnny. Johnny is the brother of Billy. And the reason they were at the bar was to get the keys to Billy's truck so they can get Johnny, get Hank Herb home. Yes. Herbie Hank. Herb.
SPEAKER_05Which is fucked up because Johnny immediately like takes the parking lot slut child to go have sex and does not drive Herb home at all.
SPEAKER_03The way he could have dropped him off at home and then gone to Fiddle Riddle. Yeah, he does. He's not a good friend. He's shitty. His face is weird, bothers me a lot. His face bothers me way more than I'd like to admit. Okay, so is it because we can see him as an old man and he's 15 and so we're we're stressed? But I That's 100% what's happening. He's got a little bit of a forward.
SPEAKER_05He has a very forward mouth. Mouth. And he all it's very seasons. 75 years old and a 15-year-old body. No 15-year-old body. I don't like it. I don't like anything about it. Also, he has like a 75-year-old's arrogance. You know what I'm saying? So like there's a lot happening on him, and it's all showing right here in his face.
SPEAKER_03When we meet them originally, Hank Herb is pretty quiet.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_03But Johnny is like, while we're inside, we see like the rough housing, and we we think that the bad guys here are just uh them.
SPEAKER_05Billy and his buddy.
SPEAKER_03Billy and his buddy. Billy and his boyfriend.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But we realize imagine his younger brother. Not much better. Also a piece of shit. Yeah. But Herb is the sheriff's son, Marcy's brother. Correct. And he's like, brother, you cannot leave me here. My dad expects me to be home. I told him you were driving me home. I'm already not supposed to be at the bar. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I'm trying to get my dick wet bye, brother.
SPEAKER_05He leaves him at the bar.
SPEAKER_03And he fucking leaves him there.
SPEAKER_05Rude. Or Herb Hank has to walk the whole way.
SPEAKER_03And it ain't close. And also.
SPEAKER_05Why are you hanging out with this fucking city? Johnny is such a fucking asshole and a loser. So he ends up taking her to like a Native American burial ground.
SPEAKER_03Which she doesn't know because she's not from here. Yeah, this is like this whole sequence is fucking weird and like poorly paced. And basically, it shows her unable to control herself. She's so horny for his body. She's kissing and she's unbuttoning his fucking wiener. And then all of a sudden she sits up and we're first of all, we're in the back of the truck. I thought we were in the cab.
SPEAKER_05I know we're in the back. And I guess that's where you fuck.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I guess. But she just sits up aggressively and she's like, where are we? Take me home. Yeah, she's like, something doesn't feel right. Where are we? I want to go home. Which you're also 15, so that's a totally normal reaction. Johnny is ready to knock, he's ready to annihilate the family he hasn't started. I know. He's ready. He's like, I curse you and your bloodline. He can't believe she gave him a boner and it isn't gonna finish him off.
SPEAKER_05I know. He's so mad. He's like, put this beer in you, you stupid bitch. He does. He gives her drinks, he's having road sodas, they're smoking weed. He drives her home to her fucking parents' house.
SPEAKER_03And she realizes her dad is awake and home, which she didn't think he was. And he's standing outside Johnny's door. Yeah, I don't know how we missed that part. Like, she's like, oh no, I'm she's actively smoking a joint outside of my parents' house. I just have to say, like, as a child who my parents were not physically abusive at all, right? But the fear that I had of my parents, their groundings were not a joke. They were serious and they did not deviate from the plan. So if I'm grounded for six months, I legit don't see another human for six months. I also went to a school that was not in my neighborhood. So my homies were in the neighborhood, and then I went to, yeah, like they shut my life down. The lengths I went to to hide my cigarette breath, there is no world where I'm sitting outside my house smoking a joint. This made my asshole tight. Yeah. Squeezing tight. I couldn't believe it. And then she's like, oh, hi daddy. I didn't see you and your fake British accent there.
SPEAKER_05No, Johnny is a nightmare.
SPEAKER_03He is a nightmare because she says before this, my dad can't know about any of this partying. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So be cool. So when he steps out, dad, I think his name, I forget what his name is. I don't know. British, fake British dad. Fake British dad. Is like, what's your business with my daughter? And he's like, fucking her, pretty much.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I was trying to fuck her, and she like it's being really prude and shit. So I gave her some booze and some smoke, and like she didn't really loosen up, so now we're home. And he's like, What did you say to me? He's like, You heard me, old bitch. And I was like, Oh, oh my god. She's like, Thanks a lot, Johnny, and stomps inside the house. Girl, you met him seven minutes ago and we're in an unsafe place with him. Like, he is unhinged. He is a bad man, and had you spent more than 11 seconds trying to blow him in a parking lot, you might have known that before you left. Girl, you in danger. Girl, you're in danger.
SPEAKER_05But Johnny does end up going home.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, thank God.
SPEAKER_05And the father Melissa, he like goes inside. Everybody's home. It's fine. So Johnny's driving home drinking beer when his car runs out of gas. How is he this drunk? What is in these beers? Are these 10.5% beers? Like, what is going on? His acting, like his like drunk acting is so brutal. I remember back at our modeling school. Of course, of course, John Casablanca.
SPEAKER_03Shout out to the fucking Epstein family. Yeah, thank you, John Casablanca.
SPEAKER_05Woo! So when I was there, I remember there was like an acting portion of all of that. And they talked about like, so they pointed out something that I had never really noticed, but it made complete sense in that moment that drunk people are trying to act not drunk. Right. That's that's how you know they're drunk. This guy is like, he is like almost like a hip-hop, like a hip. He's that white lady how to hip hop dance tutorial. That is how he is walking down the street square on my life. Correct. And then he just gets like angry and rips off his jacket, throws his beer, and he's just like mumbling to himself. Like it's way over the top. It's really bad.
SPEAKER_03Also, he had six beers to start. Yeah. He had four beers at last count. I've never I've drank a lot of beers in my day. And I am a medium lightweight. Like I can cross the threshold of fine to not find very, very quickly. Yeah. What are these beers? This is Texas 1983 bitch. That's mostly water, but it's water and piss.
SPEAKER_05Shut up. Shut up, dude.
SPEAKER_03So anyway, he gets killed. He gets killed.
SPEAKER_05He gets he like gets stabbed like 28 times. Which I loved. Thank God. Yeah. Um, so Melissa wakes up with a full face of makeup. God, she's just so glamorous. And we see her naked in the shower. And again, my note is just she's supposed to be 15. Like, why are we doing this really sexual shower scene with her?
SPEAKER_03It's too much. It's they don't linger too long, but it's like we just highlighted that she is a baby, and then now the next scene is she's naked in a shower. Then we also watch her sensually get dressed slowly. No, it's really foul. This is just not for us. We are not the audience for this.
SPEAKER_05And that's like they do this like a handful of times too.
SPEAKER_03They do this. It's more than once. Once is too many. Yes, once was too many, and then we're gonna do it. Once was too many, and it is the majority of the plot.
SPEAKER_05Like, there's even like just like they'll just show clips of her like at the mirror, like pulling her shirt up, and again, just like sexually looking at herself. I'm like, dude, let leave her alone. Like, get out of her.
SPEAKER_03She's allowed, but you're not. Right. Like, she can look sexy at herself as much as she wants. But you need to leave. Who invited you? Get out.
SPEAKER_05Get out. So Hank Herb, Johnny's buddy, in the morning tells us cop dad about Johnny ditching him.
SPEAKER_03Well, because dad's pissed. He's like, I told you to be home by 11. What the fuck happened? He said, Hey, my boy ditched me. I had to walk, and he was like, Walk from where? And he was like, Not the bar.
SPEAKER_05Definitely not there. And he's like, dude, that was really long. Yeah. That was actually like a crazy long walk.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I'm very tired and I'm sorry, but like he ditched me for this fucking girl.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. And his sister Marcy is at the table, and she's the one who's reading the murder mysteries. We're meeting all of them. And I will say, cop dad is also kind of hot. Like, he is like a very rugged, handsome. I'm gonna always double down on A Cap, right?
SPEAKER_03Always him forever. Of course. But oh my Oh my god. Yeah. Why'd they do it like that? Yeah, they they did it to us. Okay, but then he does some shit later that I'm like, fuck that motherfucker. Of course, the way he treats Kathy, girl.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god, the way he treats Kathy is blasphemous. We'll get there. Karen? Karen, Kathy. But he like the guy they cast to play him was. He's gorgeous. Whoa.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Like, whoa.
unknownWhoa.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we were doing the Superman. Like, we have for anyway. So their mom's dead or whatever. So he's like a single dad. Yes. Um, and they seem to have like a pretty solid family dynamic. As much as he is out of the house by being the sheriff, he's there, we're having a breakfast. She's asking, uh, she's like sharing the the twists and turns of her book. Her brother's so annoyed, and then sheriff gets a call.
SPEAKER_05Yes, it's rowdy Billy from the bar and his boyfriend. They're like, hey, Johnny never came to her truck.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So the three of them, Marcy, Herb, Hank, and cop dad, all go looking.
SPEAKER_03And it's not long before they find like I understand it's Texas in 1983, and I don't really know how things were, but like at school, you just show up whenever.
SPEAKER_05But you just show up whenever you're.
SPEAKER_03You just go when you're ready. They're not worried about it. You don't need no education. Is that where that's from? I understand. I know you thought it was the UK. I did. Well, it must have been her ethyologist dad.
SPEAKER_05The fake British dad who made that song in Texas. That makes sense. It's all coming together. I'm glad I could figure that out for you. So Marcy ends up finding the body. Like um for no reason.
SPEAKER_03She's walking off to piss. I don't know. She's like, I don't remember.
SPEAKER_05They find the truck and she just goes right to it.
SPEAKER_03She's got a nose for this shit. She finds the body, and then immediately, like, we've got the coroner on scene. We've got the one other cop in town on scene. Yes. And uh we have to, he sends him back to tell Billy, like, found your truck and your brother.
SPEAKER_05I do have to say, I love how quickly this moves because Herb is like, hey, Melissa's number one suspect. That's who he left with last night. Then he's like, okay, kids, I'm gonna take you to school now at 12 p.m. Right. It seems like you should probably get there by now. This moves so fast because as he's pulling up to drop his kids off at school, fake British dad and mother Joan are dropping off Melissa. So like he's able to interview Melissa, like it goes straight into Thank you for this.
SPEAKER_03We appreciate it. Yeah, she also started at noon today because she's so busy, like admiring herself. Exactly, of course. It's like hard to get going.
SPEAKER_05So Melissa lies on Jason, long hair, long shadow. Immediately. She tries to say, he tried to kiss me, he was grabbing me, he was all over me in the parking lot. Herb doesn't say a fucking word. He saw what actually happened.
SPEAKER_03Herb was there, Herb, Herb fucks up here. Herb loses me here. Same.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Because he doesn't say, uh, that's not what happened.
SPEAKER_03Like they just let her lie. And I know that our writer wrote this as like a, I don't know, like a passing part of the story. I know it is a part of the story. I just, I'm just so distressed by it. I'm just so genuinely distressed by how effortlessly she's like, he tried to kiss me and fuck me. Right.
SPEAKER_05So I can't be the one who killed him. Girl. Because like, what does it have to do with anything?
SPEAKER_03Also, you've lived here for one minute. Could you maybe not accuse the three brown guys that live in this town? She's usually lived here before you.
SPEAKER_05She's gonna do it again and again and again, you guys. Her whole character. The only good thing that comes out of This is the sh the cop daddy immediately goes to see Long Shadow, who is shirtless, correct, working in the sun. Thank you, thank you, thinky, thinky. So we can be grateful for that. Thank you. And when they get there, they basically ask him, like, hey, and he's like, dude, I told that girl to go home because she was literally a child trying to whore out in a parking lot.
SPEAKER_03And what we love is that the sheriff goes, That makes sense. It aligns with who I know you to be as a person.
SPEAKER_05He does a couple good things here, which is like every time someone's trying to point their finger at a person of color, he's like, eh, it doesn't sound like the guy I know. Like he's very quick to be like, no, it doesn't seem right to me. You guys are like, so at least that's one good thing he's got going for himself in this movie. Luckily, it's the one guy who holds any power in town.
SPEAKER_03So it actually matters if it were anybody else.
SPEAKER_05He and one other cop. That's it in the whole town. It's two of them. Kind of looks like my dad when he was younger, actually. The other one with the mustache and the black curly hair. Yeah, it's kind of what his dad looked like. He gets his ass whooped in this movie. Not really.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's not his fault.
SPEAKER_05No. Melissa's mom, Joanne, and that's when she says she's gonna throw a big Texas barbecue to celebrate Melissa's birthday coming up.
SPEAKER_03And she makes it a point to tell the sheriff, you may not recognize me. I used to be from this town. This is where I came from. That's why I wanted to bring Melissa here for her 16th birthday. Right.
SPEAKER_05And there's some weird shit that happens because when she goes to see the sheriff, she's gonna go a couple times, but like she runs into like the mayor, George. Is he the mayor? I don't know, but it's really tense and weird.
SPEAKER_03And I don't know that we ever We don't really rectify it, but I think it's just meant to be there to make it clear to us that Joanne was a sexy little thing then, and she's a sexy little thing now. And I think the only really purpose of this interaction is like George is very much like, damn, you aged well. You're fucking hot, you're hotter than my wife. I would fucking lick your butt sweat if you gave me a chance. And she was like, Cool, I was just saying hi.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like she is very clearly being like, nice to see you, but like happily married, have a 16-year-old daughter, like have a fake British husband, like doing my whole thing here.
SPEAKER_05But she is hella flirty with the cop. Can't blame her for that one. Yeah, same girl.
unknownSame girl.
SPEAKER_04So I do love it. School we cut to Melissa at school and she has her own song. She she has her own fucking literally Melissa song.
SPEAKER_06Melissa, I wonder what you're thinking. Sweet Melissa, are you with us? Yeah, she's right there.
SPEAKER_03I can see her. She's smoking a cigarette under that fucking tree. Yeah, she's fine.
SPEAKER_04She's here.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, but she gets her own song and it plays like all the time. It's so weird.
SPEAKER_03It's so weird. It's so weird. But what I like about Melissa is that she is very little. But she she's smoking at school, which I love. Yeah. I think that's fucking cool. And we've got a new handsome boy who is, she has clocked as the captain of the football team. He's playing football, but not. And he purposefully throws it in her direction so he can come over and talk to her and deliver some of the unsmoothest fucking pickup.
SPEAKER_05Honestly, though, she's unsmooth too, because he comes over and he's like, and she's like, So, do you what what drugs do you do?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, tell me a list of the drugs and what the side effects are. And he's like, I don't really do drugs. He says, but I can get you some herb. And she said, I met him. He's the sheriff's son. He won't do anything. He won't do any of that. What can you get me in the ways of uppers and downers? Right.
SPEAKER_05So he's like, fine, I'll meet you at eight behind the bar. Right. The bar I'll have some drugs for you, even though I don't really do drugs, but I'm on football.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but I'll do them for you because hot. I've seen your pussy while you're showering, and it is a woman's. So I'm into that.
SPEAKER_05So I'm into that. His name was Tommy. Yeah. Tommy. Tommy. So Marcy and Hank that night, they sneak out. They're not supposed to.
SPEAKER_03Her dad, their dad straight up was like, is a motherfucker out here killing kids your age stay to fuck home. And and uh Herb is like, okay, bet, I'm gonna walk to the place where I just was before. Right. Marcy, you wanna come? And Marcy was like, No, daddy said stay home. And then she's like, okay, bet. She's alone for 40 seconds and is like, she's thinking about all of our murder mysteries, and she's like, Skiwy, skewy. But she's like, could we hold hands and pretend we're engaged? I know she they're a little flirtatious. I don't like that. I don't mind it. You don't have a brother, and that's why.
SPEAKER_05We've been down this. I know, but they're both very cute. Um, so anyway, while waiting for Melissa, Tommy is out back. He's got some drugs. He is very similar to Tommy, stabbed. No, he is Tommy. He's very similar to John Tommy. Dude, that's a similar name.
SPEAKER_03So similar to Tommy that he is Tommy.
SPEAKER_05But he actually stabbed the fucked up. Yeah, he gets chopped up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Melissa walks out, like, to go meet him behind the bar. Um, she like, of course, she has to go through the bar though to make sure every adult is. Everybody has to sniff her first. Yeah. And when she goes back there, Greyfeather is also like turning the corner. So she runs into him and is like, ew, because she's racist. Correct. Um, and then she falls backwards and lands on Johnny's body.
SPEAKER_03Into a twin tower of empty boxes. Yes. Who somebody, after doing the stabby stabby, stabby, stacked that all up, just carefully position two small buildings full of empty beer boxes.
SPEAKER_05She accuses Greyfeather immediately.
SPEAKER_03It had to be him. He was in the exact location. Girl, is 50 motherfuckers out here.
SPEAKER_05You don't deserve a song.
SPEAKER_03No. You don't deserve a song! Melissa, you're racist and lying. Raceless. Just rub it out. You don't need to ruin life. Yeah, for real.
SPEAKER_05Racist. Okay, so that's Melissa's new song. That's her new song. So Billy and that his boyfriend Hick.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Go after the Native Americans, they decide.
SPEAKER_03They were already. They were already doing it. They've held a town hall talking about these fucking engines, this and that. Like they're so clearly looking for an opening to hold him accountable for Johnny Steph. Not because he cares about Johnny's death. No, no, no. Because his truck was left outside. Yeah, his truck's fine, so he's fine, but he just doesn't like it. He doesn't. He's racist. Yes. He's he's the one who knocked the hat off of Greyfeather when he walked in the bar for no fucking reason. Did nothing or nothing.
SPEAKER_05Giving him a reason.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_05But the cop daddy did say, like, nobody better take some shit into their own hands, or I will fucking come down on you like the hammer of thorn.
SPEAKER_03Cop daddy was actually tight as fuck because he said that to everybody at the public meeting game in general. And he screamed at him too. Like he was, he was foul about it. And then he also pulls Billy's husband aside separately and says, just in case you didn't know I'm fucking one quarter fucking American Indian, you fucking shut your stupid racist mouth. And he's like, Okay. Yeah. Is that why you're so beautiful? Is that why? And he's like, oh wait.
SPEAKER_05Oh, wait, I'm dating Billy. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. So um, yeah, it's fucked up though. They're going after them. And when cop daddy goes to Greyfeather's house right after, presumably. The next day, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even that night on the case. Is it? I mean, I think it's that night. Like, I think he he's showing up as they left. Yeah. Because he's gonna question him because Melissa was saying he had to be the one to do it. He was behind the bar.
SPEAKER_03And he's very much like, I know you, I know you. Let me come and talk to you and find out why you were there and what you saw.
SPEAKER_05And what you saw. Because that's what his whole perspective is like. He might have seen something. He definitely didn't do that.
SPEAKER_03He's very much treating this more honestly than any cop in 1983 in Texas everywhere.
SPEAKER_05And also, Great Father's like 9,000 years old. Right.
SPEAKER_03Your boy's just trying to get a quartz.
SPEAKER_05You know what I mean? Yeah, he's just trying to have a drink. So cop daddy knocks on the door, no one answers. He goes inside, shits a little awry, and Greyfeather is found hung. He does not believe it is a suicide, and he knows it was those white hicks.
SPEAKER_03Parallels to today.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, it's really scary. I mean, this was a bad timing and a shit ass movie. And I have no idea the trailer. It's not your fault that they make it look so interesting.
SPEAKER_03It was not reported as a racist thriller. I know. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03They need to start labeling them as such. We can't. That's what we're doing. I can't do it. Put that in the notes when you upload this video. Warning. Racist says it.
SPEAKER_05So at the funeral for I want to say Johnny, Melissa, Marcy confronts Melissa about being a fucking racist.
SPEAKER_03Marcy says some of the best shit that was probably ever said on film in 1983, where she's just like, bro, you know for a fact, you have been here for five fucking minutes. You were in a space. It was a bunch of motherfuckers in that space. You don't understand the impact of you throwing that sentence away willy-nilly, you stupid fucking whore.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And then Melissa's like, I'm just like sad and scared and lonely. And Marcy's like, that's fair. I was a little harsh. Let's be best friends. Okay. Marcy, like, you're Marcy. Your heart is in the right place, but like push her a little more. Come on. Knock out one of her teeth. It's it's almost like ugly.
SPEAKER_05We're supposed to believe that like Melissa is so hot that she can even like sway friendships and like she just it's like got glamour magic. Because then they get in the car, like Marcy, Herb, and Cop Daddy. Yeah. And they're like, Melissa's a little sus. Like she was, you know, meaning Tommy.
SPEAKER_03And and Marcy's like the only parallel in these two stories.
SPEAKER_05Marcy's like, no, no, she's just a girl and she's just lonely and she was just trying to make friends and she would never do that. She's a really good person. Five seconds ago, girl, she was your number one suspect. You called her a racist and an attention whore five seconds ago. And you know those things were true.
SPEAKER_03Because they were true.
SPEAKER_05They were true.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Marcy. She's also only 15, so we have to give her a break. I know. So Melissa's dad goes to the police and says, you need to arrest Jason Longshow for theft. He stole a bunch of knives that we dug up on the burial ground.
SPEAKER_03Now, the number of things that we don't need to point out here, but we have hired a Native American person.
SPEAKER_05I know.
SPEAKER_03To excavate Native American grounds.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_03On behalf of a fucking supposedly British dude.
SPEAKER_05Fake British.
SPEAKER_03Who is now claiming ownership of some Native knives that were found on said ground.
SPEAKER_05I know. Go fuck yourself.
SPEAKER_03Why are we making movies about this? Ivan, what's this bro's name? Igor?
SPEAKER_04Igor. It was Erwin Goldman. That's what I said. Fucker.
SPEAKER_03Igor was just an amalgamation of those two names. Got all together, actually. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So the cop immediately goes to Long's apartment. Correct. Which is also the place he shared with uh Graybeather.
SPEAKER_03Right. Because he's again, he's like, I've known this dude my whole life. Like, he's just not a violent guy. This is not what's happening.
SPEAKER_05Yes. And I'm just gonna fast forward through a little bit of this. He finds these knives, he takes them to get tested. There is animal blood on one of them. They're not weren't murder weapons and whatever, whatever.
SPEAKER_03And we also still don't know how the fuck they got in his house. Did he take them? Maybe. Are they rightfully his more than the fucking British dude? 150%.
SPEAKER_05He said five knives were missing. There's only four there. So one is not. On the one's on the loose. One's on the lamb. One's on the lamb. So um we have, and I'm just gonna like stick with one track here.
SPEAKER_03This is where we meet his girlfriend Karen, who is we've met them by phone a couple times. Yes. But she's gorgeous, she's wonderful, she's desperately trying to get this man on a date. He couldn't be less interested in her. He tells her he loves her though. He does and kisses her, which is even more confusing. But she's just like so desperately throwing herself at him and doing all this illegal shit to help him.
SPEAKER_05Even his kids are like, when are we gonna marry Karen?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, she's the best. She's so sweet. She's like trying to sell herself to him, and this whole sequence makes me so sad.
SPEAKER_06I know, I feel so good.
SPEAKER_03Because I see too much of myself in her where she's just like, but I'm cool and you like me, and I make food, and I'm single, and I'm good with your kids, and I didn't know. And he's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But he's doing some old school record scouts. Yes, he is, he's using a micro fee. He is phishing it up. I've never used one. He's gone fishing. He's gone fishing. He's gone fishing, and he what we find while he's fishing, now for reference, the 16th birthday party is happening right now. Yes. Okay.
SPEAKER_05The Texas barbecue 16th birthday party. We'll get there in a second.
SPEAKER_03He can't be there because he's gone phishing. But what he discovers is an article that while we read the headline, it makes absolutely no sense to me.
SPEAKER_05I was gonna say, did you catch? Because he's immediately like, we gotta get you that barbecue. And I'm like, what did you see in that article that I didn't? It wouldn't even matter if we wrote down the headline.
SPEAKER_03I think it said like Joanne kills herself at age 17. Yes. Which I didn't clock until the end of this movie, and I was like, oh. I mean, sort of. I still didn't have that aha moment. I did, I did right before the reveal. So basically, he immediately he knows something. He knows something. He tells the woman who should be his wife and loves him so fucking much. Call the station. Oh, what we didn't mention is Jason Dunn got arrested. They did put him in prison. They put him in prison for the night because they had to, because there was blood and they hadn't gotten the results back on it being animal. It was squirreled. Jason whooped my dad's ass. Yeah. Your dad was like, Jason, step back, I'm gonna give you this food, and Jason was like, Bet. He steps back and then he whoops your dad's ass and then knocks him unconscious for at least an hour and then puts him in the jail and leaves.
SPEAKER_04I know, but he also unplugs the phone. Which was pretty smart. He's brilliant. He's brilliant. So long shadow on the loose.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, long is on the loose. Long, Lucy Long. And uh My dad asleep. Cop Daddy is trying to call, phone's off the hook. Yes. He tells wife, get a hold of them. Tell them I'll be there in one hour and 15 minutes. Yes. Because tell us how far away is. Because that's where my kids are, and now I'm a skirt. Yeah. So he's he's rushing there. The party's happening, everything's going great, and then for no reason, Herb and Melissa end up naked in the lake. Yeah. In the middle of the party. Everybody's at the party, like sitting around doing fuck all.
SPEAKER_05Also, did you did you clock their gift?
SPEAKER_03They give her a handkerchief from their dead mom.
SPEAKER_05From their dead mom. She's like, I thought this would my mom would like you to have it. Like, are are you in love with her, Marcy?
SPEAKER_03I can't even, I don't What? I don't even know. And then Herb does say to Marcy, Oh, now that you guys are best friends, maybe you can get me a date. I need everybody to calm their eclipse down.
SPEAKER_04Marcy also wants a date, too.
SPEAKER_03Everybody wants a date and like she's fine, but like Marcy is the prize. I know. I agree. Marcy's the prize. Marcy is the prize. But so anyway, so Melissa's at her own birthday party and it's getting boring. So she leaves with Herb. She's like, Herb, you're the only one I haven't given a boner to yet. Come hither. Yeah. They get naked, they get in the water. We see her whole bush and her tits hate it. They do a weird, like synchronized swimming situation where it's like so very clear. And I've had this moment in a pool with a partner before where it's like, Well, what do we do? Right. Like, we can't touch the ground. I know. Like, how do you look at my rooms? Like, what are we?
SPEAKER_05Billy is pedophiling. Yes. Billy and his boyfriend.
SPEAKER_03Billy and his boyfriend pedophile pissing.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_03In the woods. Watching them. And he's like, Oh, husband, come here. Come hither. Look at what I spy. It's a child's breast. No, seriously. And then for no reason, Melissa leaves herb in the water, even though they're doing full-on horny stuff. I know. She just gets up. She seems angry. Yeah. She she just bolts out for no reason so that we can see her pussy and her tits again. Walks right into Billy and his boyfriend's arms, and they try to fucking assault her. Yes. And it's gross and uncomfortable and weird, and we all saw it coming, and it's terrible, and she's screaming and she's scared. And I'm like, this was awful. Get out here. Yeah, this was especially bad. Kerb doesn't make it, he's completely unawares. He's still dancing in a circle by himself, thinking about her boobs.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. He probably thought she just went to take a poopy. Yeah, he's like, oh, she's under the water. So as they're like tugging Melissa around, um, very suddenly, Billy is they well, they knock her out. They punch her in the face because she's like screaming and putting out too much of a fight for them. So she's not when she's knocked out, suddenly they get stabbed like crazy. Billy and then the hick boyfriend.
SPEAKER_03Love that.
SPEAKER_05So Herb comes running up. Here's the commotion. Finally, 23 minutes later. He gets stabbed in his arm, but he gets up and he starts running away from whoever this killer is. Correct move. Marcy comes running out because she's been alone at the party for an hour now.
SPEAKER_03She's also been doing this weird backwards walking without looking into the deeper and deeper woods. Girl. Girl. You read enough to know. I know. We go forward, not backwards in the nighttime woods. You've been Nancy Grace up until this point. You're gonna walk backwards. I would give her more of a Nancy Drew.
SPEAKER_05But still, we go face first, not back first. True. So whenever Marcy stumbles upon the scene, Joni, which is the mother of Melissa, is like hovering over Melissa. Crying. Crying. Covered in blood, like so upset. So Marcy goes to be like, oh my god, what's going on? Let me help. Out of nowhere, dad tackles Marcy to the ground and they roll and it's in slow motion. You guys is crazy. Love it. At the same time, Joan is lifting her knife to stab Marcy. So it's this like dad intercepts and saves her, but Joan clearly has the knife from the burial ground.
SPEAKER_03And now we're clearly seeing all this blood on her is not coming off of her daughter. It's from all these other people she has stabbed. It's so stupid.
SPEAKER_05This reveal is so stupid.
SPEAKER_03It's so dumb and clumsy.
SPEAKER_05Very clumsy. Very clumsy.
SPEAKER_03And we have all these weird, like staring at each other still moments where cop daddy is like, give me the knife. Give me the knife.
SPEAKER_05And then girl, just punch her in the face. Shoot her. Clock her. Also, he says, Trisha, give me the knife. And now suddenly she listens, right? And she starts calling Melissa Joni, which is up until just a second ago, her was her name.
SPEAKER_03So very quickly, what we summarize here Trisha and Joni were sisters. Yes. Joni was the older sister, Trisha was the younger sister. Their dad was super abusive, assaulted them on the rag. At some point, Trisha killed their father to protect Joni. And then Joni doesn't survive, right? She kills herself? What happened? I believe she goes to like a mental institution and she kills herself.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. So why she just Or no, Joni did. Joni, the older sister of Joni. So why Trisha, which is the mother, decides to take on her sister's identity, I don't know. Just be Trisha. Just be Trisha. Like why? Like they never discuss why she would have taken her dead sister's identity. We never talk about that. So it's like they give us this big reveal like it's supposed to mean something. It's clumsy.
SPEAKER_03It's clumsy, but I think it it at its core, what we're to understand is family violence, sister savior. She's not well. Yeah. But she's been pretending successfully for all these years, at least 16, yeah, to be her sister and start this whole new life. Why did we come back here? Why did we come back to the town? Why didn't you come to the town? Because the people who hurt you are gone. You're just killing.
SPEAKER_05Also, like when she introduces herself as Joni and they're like, Oh yeah, I remember you.
SPEAKER_03Um, you don't remember that she killed herself? You also, I think this is maybe the whole reason we meet George and George being like, Oh, you look so good. You age so much better than my wife, the cheerleader. Like, maybe this is supposed to be a clue that she's significantly younger than Joni should have been.
SPEAKER_05Maybe, but like the whole town doesn't remember that this girl killed her dad and they kill herself. Like, I feel like in this town that has two cops, maybe you kind of remember something like that. I feel like you might. It just feels a little weird. You know what I mean? Again, it just her it's just it doesn't make complete sense. It's never fully explained. Agreed. And she's killing men all over here who remind her of her dad. Have burners for her daughter. Yeah, who it's any guy who's sexually interested in her daughter reminds her of her dad, so she's killing him. Like, it doesn't make any fucking sense.
SPEAKER_03No, it's like such a loose storyline that doesn't follow anything, but did find a way to get this girl naked multiple times.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, and I think they like desperately wanted to have like a Jason, you know, mother reveal of sorts. Like it felt like very like they just were like, hey, that's cool, right?
SPEAKER_03That's the twist that people want to see. You know what I mean? I don't know. It's so fucked. It's super fucked. And then now she nobody knew this was happening. Everybody's surprised, like the end. Yeah, like the Melissa song starts playing again.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, it's her happy fucking birthday, Melissa. She looks all crazy and she stole the knife off of her mom. So she's just like standing there with a blanket. The blanket falls off, and she's holding the knife, and her eyes are like all crazy. And they just do a slow zoom in on her eyes while the Melissa song goes.
SPEAKER_03And you know who she's gonna kill? Brown people, because she's fucking racist. She's fucking racist. So And now she runs an evangelical Christian church that you can attend on Tuesdays and Sundays, so watch out for her dumbass. This movie's so exciting. It's not your fault. There's no way. I just wish, I just wish in the modern era we we can review things like put her fucking rating on this show. I know for fucking racist and dumb and the story being like, ugh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05I guess we're picking our new one. I know. Let's let people want to yours this time. Are any of yours in there, dude?
SPEAKER_03I don't know.
SPEAKER_05Did you put yours in there? I did.
SPEAKER_03You watched me do it.
SPEAKER_05That looks like yours.
SPEAKER_03It is me. Split second. 1992 sci-fi on Tubi. Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_05Alright, everybody, then if you want to tune in with us.
SPEAKER_03Sorry, the movie started.
SPEAKER_05Sorry, I'm doing it right now. Sorry, I have to watch it right now.
SPEAKER_03Sorry, I'm paying attention. I'm watching the movie now. Bye guys. It's on Tubi. Split second. Watch it with us or let us watch it for you. That's like the whole deal. That's like kind of what we're doing here. The whole point of this. It's like the whole thing. So also, we are down to the final four over on For the Love of Raging. Get the f over there because it is dumb as hell.
SPEAKER_05A couple episodes, you guys. And this week is the lie detector test. You know they got that same old motherfucker.
SPEAKER_03It is that same man. Ten years he made a career off.
SPEAKER_04They had one man with lie detector tests. All of Hollywood.
SPEAKER_03He don't say a goddamn word, just thumb up, thumb down. Love him. Thumb up, thumb down.
SPEAKER_05What is I wanna know what his life is.
SPEAKER_03He's got a nim dibs. We'll check him out.
SPEAKER_05We'll check him out. All right, we'll see you over Queens of Reality TV. Stay tuned. Stay nasty.
