Queens of NC-17
Welcome to the sleepover with those girls your parents warned you about. Crude, lewd, with major attitude, Ande and Eanna are here to talk the best and rarest of NC-17 and every gem in-between. Stay tuned. STAY NASTY. (WARNING: FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. UNDER 17 REQUIRES ADULT SUPERVISION.)
Queens of NC-17
Episode 385- Mikey
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WARNING: FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. UNDER 17 REQUIRES ADULT SUPERVISION.
What do you know about shit ass kids going full annihilation mode on their families? Tune into this BAD KID episode where we're talking about the movie Mikey from 1992!
Instagram: @queensofnc17
Music: @tobaxxo
Hey hey, what do you say? You always manage to find a way to start with such lightness, such such you know, you really light up a room.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Please, when I die, make sure you say that six thousand times in an in a fucking documentary. I'm gonna say she really stunk up a room.
SPEAKER_00No, be honest. She smelled up. Sometimes she was really unreasonable and unpredictable and opinionated. That's so funny. Let's prescript what lies we want to tell about each other at our death. And then that will be like our uh communication to each other if somehow one of us manages to escape without the other. Okay. I think that's fair. Yeah, I think that's valid. Uh who are you? I'm Andy. Hi, Miana. We're Queens of NZ17. What's up, mother truckers? What's going on? What's good? Nothing. Not a single damn thing. Not much, huh? No. I hope good things are happening for you, dear listener, because out here in the land of queens, the crops are dry. Crops dry. Heels are crusty. Ground is dusty. Attitude is busty. We're grumpy, man. We're grumpy, dude. We're grumping around. We're grump around. We are grumping around again. I can't help it. I can't shake it this time. Yeah. I'm trying. I'm doing everything. Like, I literally have been spending a lot of energy focusing on not being a fucking mega bitch. And it's taking all of my energy. And it's not going great.
SPEAKER_01I know.
SPEAKER_00It's not going great. No, it's hard. I want to yell at people. Yeah, dude. I want to freak out more. I wanna, I wanna just like say how I feel. You know what I mean? Like loud. Like, should we go to like like the woods? We've been saying this for a while. We do, I do believe. I do believe declare and believe we need to scream into a void. So like maybe there's uh like that really no there's that really gigantic bridge in West Virginia that's like less than a big one. You want to drive the whole way to the WV to scream on a bridge. Yeah. We'll get ice cream. Two hours in a car. Come on, there's a lot of screaming leading up to it. You don't want a tunnel. You don't want something like where it like echoes.
SPEAKER_02We got tunnels at home.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I know. That's what I mean. Uh but what's the bridge for? Into the void. Into the into the outside. We got bridge. We're in the city of bridges. It's the wrong kind of bridges. I need a bridge with nobody else. I need some privacy on my bridge. I'm gonna be confessing. I'm gonna be. I don't feel like a bridge is the place.
SPEAKER_01Someone's gonna be around with a video camera, babes. We live in the modern ages of technology. Guillermo RuPaul Peggy Brown. He is fluffing his shit in my mic stand again.
SPEAKER_00I don't know how he does it. How he manages to always find the literal most inconvenient location. And he's gonna lay on my work clothes. Give me one second. Oh no. Guillermo, come on. He said, Well, why'd you put him down there for snuggle?
unknownI know.
SPEAKER_00He's going back to the He better not bring them this way. He's just gonna lay over there. Yeah, he can lay. He can do whatever he wants with. Oh, those there. I thought you threw your work clothes. Oh, my work clothes are back here where my mic's standing. He's coming this way. Everything, y'all. It's just like everything's really hard. Yeah. Everything's a little scratchy. Everything, you know those mornings when you get dressed and everything you put on just feels uh. Yeah. It's just too tight.
SPEAKER_01And fucking hell. He's right back. He fucked off. He saw me getting up and he just laughed. I'm sorry, guys. If we could have a camera, like a dog cam in here. Like just just the cam just a camera to watch the dog so you can listen to the pod. That would actually be genius because we wouldn't have to edit the audio. Like it would just be a camera of the dogs, what they're doing the whole time. You can watch the dogs. Okay, I'm gonna listen to us because I kind of love that. Yeah, that's a good idea.
SPEAKER_00We're gonna get into that. Because they're fucking bad every week. And I'll just start wearing shoes and uh weird shoes. We can shut up! Don't you no more toe stuff? You have to wear shoes, none of those weird fucking fuck socks. Don't show them. I'm gonna wear the slut sock.
SPEAKER_01The slut sock? I'm gonna start wearing the compression socks. We're gonna have feet cam. Feet and dog cams. We should seriously do that.
SPEAKER_00This could be the million dollar idea.
SPEAKER_01Remember the time we played Footsie on here and we didn't know?
SPEAKER_00We do all kinds of weird stuff under the table.
SPEAKER_01We need to have an under table cam, dude.
SPEAKER_00Under the table. Under the table. There's so many, like, we're gonna end up on the wrong feeds, dude. There's gonna be so much foot stuff and hop skirt stuff. You're gonna have to start wearing pants. That's fine.
unknownAll right.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. I'm medium into this. Yeah, I'm medium into this. We'll see. In the summer, I can't. I like the idea of having socks or shoes on makes me want to scream. But in uh in the winter time, yeah. It's funny to only have to look good from the knees down. Yeah, I love this for us. Okay. I'm kind of I'm medium into this. Tell us, uh, get into our uh not DMs, do it publicly. Tell us if you're a weird foot guy. Yeah. Are you gonna suck our toes?
SPEAKER_01You watch our toes, you know, look at them, you watch them, you tip them, yeah. You touch it, you lick them. I'm gonna get my nails done. I'm gonna get like my toenails done and have like weird long toenails. Ooh, yeah, with like jewelry.
SPEAKER_00We can do that. You know what I mean? I'm gonna have weird feet each week. What I have don't promise each week. There might be like a month at a time. I'm rocking the same foot.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but that's even weirder because then they just keep growing out. You know what I mean? And just getting hair-my feet is giving me hairier and hairier.
SPEAKER_00Well, what I think we do is you can get a lot. I just got a pair of custom press-ons from Etsy. They're very thick. It's my only concern. Like they feel like they're it's probably so they're tough, but they're handmade, they're like 3D acrylic. If you were to get these done at the salon, these would easily be $150 nails. Like very cool, elaborate designs. Every nail is different. Uh but they're press-ons and you just use whatever adhesive type you want to put them on, but they make them in custom sizes. So and shapes. So you could get a stiletto. You could get a coffee. I want long stiletto toenails. Yeah, we could do that. And then we just use tabs instead of glue. And then you take them off after.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I like this. Okay.
SPEAKER_00And then you guys can buy us weird nails. Yeah. Right? You can support us by buying us weird nails and giving us donations. Pantyhos. I'll do some weird shit with my feet. Same.
SPEAKER_01And then you all start paying at least for the hosting fees, for fuck's sake. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00You start seeing they'll have to guess who's who based on our feet, too. We'll never, we'll never disclose. We'll never say whose feet are whose. We don't have any. We can hide whose feet these are.
SPEAKER_01So funny, bitch.
SPEAKER_00They can't tell. They don't know. The only identifying marks on either of our feet. Tattoo. But who has it? Exactly. And but here's the other question. Do your feet react when you talk? I'm doing all kinds of shit down there. With my feet. That's what I mean. So that's the only thing. They might be able to identify who they are if we're. Align it. If we don't align it, and we generally yell at the same time. Yeah. So if we're both worked up and doing like foot screen, weird foot sheets, we'll both be doing. I'm loving that. I think we can really get away with this, and that will be the game. Guys, let us know if you care at all, though, because we're not gonna put all this effort into it.
SPEAKER_01If nobody's gonna watch it. We'd have to put it on YouTube.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if no one's gonna watch it, then bitch, if we put our feet on YouTube, somebody's gonna watch it. I gotta tell you. Yeah. Somebody's watching it. All right, well. I really I'm seeing all kinds of wow, this is like the happiest I've felt in a long time. I'm so glad we ran out of it. That's awesome. Look at this. Because what I'm picturing now is we fully decorate under the table. Yeah. We're gonna get strip lights. Yeah. Like we should have to do that. Under the table is the podcast right now. We'll get tiny mics for our feet. Yeah. And for the dogs. We'll build a whole Pee-wee Herman world down there. Yeah. And then the dogs will periodically fucking ruin something. Yeah. And it'll be great. This is awesome. All right. I love this idea. Think about it. I'm gonna think about it non-stop. This is the first time I felt I started this very grumpy. Yeah. I was grumping. I know, dude. And now I'm thumping. Grumping from grumping to thumpin'. From grumping to thumping. And maybe, maybe periodically, we bring baj in for a little guest cabin. Cabbage, she would chew through these cords and female stuff.
SPEAKER_01Just for a sack. Just for a sack. One time I brought my laptop in there and she was in front of me, like across the room, the whole time, and then I went to go get my laptop and it wasn't charged because she ate through it from literally across the room. I swear I didn't see her go over there once.
SPEAKER_00Like I kept her in my eyes' view to make sure she wouldn't chew my cord. From 30 feet away, she got the cord. Do we think that there's an actual taste for the electricity? Or is it just to be difficult? I don't know, dude. I think they like the electricity. I think they like the risk of dying. They do. Everything they do is risky. That's why we have rabbits. Rabbits are just like 15-year-old girls from like the hood. Yeah. Yeah. They're bad, dude. They're us.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, we can bring in, we can do a little bit of cabbage cam. Yeah, just a brief cabbage cam. I also have a little like Paymon hat for her. I have a what? Like the king. Oh, hail paymon. You know what I mean? Like from hereditary.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01I have like a little hereditary paymon hat for cabbage. Perfect.
SPEAKER_00She'll look really good. We can make hats for our feet. Yeah. We can put googly eyes on there. Endless possibilities is what I'm saying. So uh what happened this week? Dude, I don't really have much to report this week. Nothing. I made it through. Congratulations. That matters. That does matter. That's all that matters. Trying to think if anything actually happened. Like you guys, I'm just still doing the same old shit. I'm really, I'm I'm busting my ass across of it. Good for you. I'm not going. Yeah, that's it. Okay. I'm just trying to get through. I think it's really deeply, sadly relatable. I just the the weight of the world. She feels it's heavy and exhausting. And I just like most days don't have enough energy to do anything. I was telling Marco before I left the house, I was like, every Tuesday, I'm like, uh, because I just want to go to sleep.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But then every time I get here, I'm glad. And I'm always happy. I never feel like that after I get here. It's just the like time between getting home from work. I know. And then coming over. I'm like, I want to go to sleep. I know. I just want to I just want to close my house.
SPEAKER_01Now I gotta be in the office on Tuesday. I know. Imagine I have to sit in traffic for 45 minutes before I get here. And then it's like it's just like everything's very go, go, go, go, go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know what I mean? It's exhausting and frustrating. And that's why we do this. But speaking of go go going. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I had to start taking psyllium husk. You didn't have to. I did because Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I wasn't pooping good. I wasn't pooping regularly. Then you just gotta get some uh some fiber, dude. Like psyllium husk is? I know, but it's way too much, babe.
SPEAKER_01That's what it is. I know, but if you get like the metamuse.
SPEAKER_00That's what it is. But there's only like five grams of fiber when you take it that way. I feel like psyllium husk is like way higher in fiber. Yeah, but you don't know how much I'm taking. I'm assuming. Based on what you're gonna say. You don't know that it might be kind of high. How much are you taking? Oh, I don't measure it. Okay, well then you're taking No, I do a small spoonful. A small it's like a teaspoon. Okay. It's not a lot. What did the instructions say? It says you can take up to a tablespoon. Okay. And then to like ease into it. So I've been doing a teaspoon consistently every day for a week. Okay. And yesterday, I give birth. Yesterday was so intense. I texted Andy immediately because I was so rocked. I literally, again, in the spirit of wanting to go home and lay down, uh, as soon as I did this, I had to do it at work because I didn't have a choice. She came on with the quickness. She came on with the quickness. Also, my schedule's all fucked up. I used to be 7 a.m., 4 p.m. every fucking day. That was my fucking time. And now I'm all, I'm all discombobulated. I pooped. 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. You were just shitting. No. I pooped once at 7 a.m. before I went to work. Okay. And then once at 4 p.m. when I got home from work. So I was a perfect. You thought I was pooping. You were just a full nine hours. You go to work at 6:30. You clock in, you check your email for a half hour. And then I poop. At 7, you start your shit. I start my shit. It's not a shift, it's a shit. You're in there. I clock in for nation. Yeah. You leave the bathroom at four. Uh-huh. You work for another hour, you come home. That would be the dream. I to shit. Well, not if it was like yesterday. Yeah. Because I have given birth but the once, naturally. I just did they have a scale in the bathroom. I really would have left. I wish. I wish. I wish. This thing, like, guys, I was sweating. I was praying. I was texting Andy because I was like, I don't think this could be it. I might not make it. Someone is to know. Someone needs to know this was my final moment. Someone needs to know that a demon rose or sank, right? From the bowels. I would love to see it. You know, I took it.
SPEAKER_01Also, I'm so relieved.
SPEAKER_00Well, I almost that what's so funny, you guys, is I almost asked for a picture yesterday, but I was like, that's weird to say it. Well, after I just been like, I need a priest, like the things that have happened to me. I called it your unholy shit. And it's it's gross. I just have to warn you.
SPEAKER_01We used to have a okay. Let me just remind you, we used to have a group chat where me and China only contributed poop pictures, and you just looked at all of them. So I've paid my dues and it's your turn.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I need you to just like fully I'm like a little bit scared. Yeah. That's a you that you know what that reminds me of. That looks like it looked like the eels from The Little Mermaid. It does look like the eels of the Little Mermaid. It also kind of looks like a crooked, like Harry Potter wand. Look how big it is, though. Look how far back into the toilet it goes. It was this big. I felt like my asshole was ripping. Ripping. And I was like, I don't know what to do when I had a baby. I had a midwife down there with oil lubing it up on either side. I wasn't about to try and touch it. And there was a point where I was like, I can't stop. Why is it so squiggly though? Because it just kept going. Because that was like half meter of my colon, dude. That's crazy. It was like that was full plaque removal. Still doing the psyllium huts? Yeah, I gotta keep going. I gotta keep going. I just gotta train my asshole. Wow. I know. So I'm gonna start wearing butt plugs to work. I think it's the only way. Oh god. And then I yink it out like a lawnmower start. You know the butt plug or your poop? Well, I feel like if I yoink the butt plug, the poop will just start flowing for my so I can clock him for my shit. You know what I'm saying? If I'm pooping from 6 a.m. to 4 p.m., I don't know, man. I don't know. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep taking it. I'm just relieved it's you this time. You know what I mean? I'm relieved it's you this time who has the shit. It it was the shit. I've never, I really like all day, every time I interacted with somebody after that, I was like, do I tell them?
SPEAKER_01Also, okay, after a shit like that, I'm also like, do I smell?
SPEAKER_00Do you know what I'm saying? Like, do I perpetually smell like what I just did? I feel like I need to tell every person I interact with. Yeah, I need to confess and shower. My boss talked to my employee today about like we have a little extra money to spend on improvements around the studio. Like, what do we want to do? We were trying to sell her on a bidet. And I was like, please, listen, let me tell you what happened yesterday. Look at this photograph. She said she doesn't want to know when people are going in there to poop. She she's poop phobic, I guess. I know. I was like, wait till I tell you the number of times, like everything she said in the conversation, I was like, but yesterday, but yesterday, the whole doctor telling me I the last thing I sent her on Slack before I left are the poop shoes. Have you seen those? Uh so there's a company. This is not an ad. It's a company called Let Loose Get Loose. Get Loose, I think. It's like a prebiotic gut health situation. It's not a laxative, it's a gut health thing. But as kind of a gimmick, but also for real, they sell poop shoes that are at the exact height of a squatty potty. And they're like 1970s style foam platform shoes.
SPEAKER_01That is awesome.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they're awesome. And they're like cute. And it's like squatty potty, ooh, platform shoes, yay! And it's like you just leave them in your bathroom. And I jokingly said we could get a pair and share them so that everybody knew. $69. Oh, way too much. I know. If it was $49, yeah, $39, $49, I know. Because what is a squatty potty? $50?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_00It's like $30, I thought. They're cheaper now when we got them. Because I didn't I get you one as a houseworming gift. I want everybody to poop good. My boyfriend refuses to use the squatty potty. What a bitch. He's never had a good poop.
SPEAKER_01He doesn't want clean poops.
SPEAKER_00He doesn't want to do that. Obviously. He's probably got poop in his butt here. No, he does not.
SPEAKER_01I can confirm that.
SPEAKER_00Ew, what are you checking? Yeah, babes. You can do a swipe test. Yeah, I look at his butthole. You do a white. He's beautiful from H to T. You check his beetle. I don't check his asshole. I just I think you do. I'm gonna ask him about it. I don't, but you best believe I did check his asshole when we first started dating.
SPEAKER_01Sure, sure, sure. Because I've dated too many men who don't clean their assholes or wipe their buttholes good enough. So I did perform like a low-key check on his asshole when we started dating and confirmed that he does wash it. And like we get showers together and he washes it, and he does wipe and his butthole's clean.
SPEAKER_00So great update in case you were wondering. In case you guys wanted to know about Andrew Pallas's asshole. Okay, first of all, everyone wants to know about Andrew Pallets' butthole. First of all, it's beautiful, you guys. Beautiful beehole. Pink or brown? Pink. Wow. He has a really cute little pink butthole. Incredible. I'm impressed. I'm gonna tell him you said something else, but no leads me all scared. Um, but there's like, yeah, I mean, I'm congratulations on the birth of your child. Thank you. Well, my other child turned 20. So I had to start fresh. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, this one at least you got to just flush down the toilet. I know. This was no responsibility.
SPEAKER_00The pain was about the same to start with. So crazy. Not quite 17 hours.
SPEAKER_01It won't go to college, though.
SPEAKER_00It won't go to college. Neither none of my children would go to college. Yeah, because that's our primary concern in my household. Just no money. Anya's looking at the wall. See, we need a cam down here. She just came over to look at the wall. Stupid. I love her so much. I know.
SPEAKER_01Uh speaking of children.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Where are you going? I've got to return some video games.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Perfect transition. Incredible work. Thank you. This week we watched Mikey from 1992. It is on Tubi. I was laughing because I was like, wait, we did tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah, Mikey. We're just doing first-person names. I am for Stint.
SPEAKER_01Uh, this is written by Jonathan Glasner and directed by Dennis Dimster.
SPEAKER_00I love that name so much. Dimster. Dennis Dimster. It's good. I like it. Yeah, I love that. Uh, the premise of this movie is that after wiping out his adoptive family through a series of stage fatal accidents. Wiping out. Good lord. You're still thinking about poop. My boyfriend's clean us. No, I'm thinking about it. Yeah. Draw it. Draw it while I say this. Uh draw me his ass. Recognize it as his own when he looks at my notes. Okay, first of all, why is he reviewing those notes? Those are private. Second of all, I'm in there sometimes. And we do be drawn. We do be drawing. When you were dating like on the market, date. Yeah, I was drawing dicks on. I bet if you scroll back to the front of that book, there's probably some old dicks in there. That's what I mean. Do you think he'd recognize that? He'll see a bunch of dicks that aren't his and then his abs. Listen, boys need to know what girls talk about. Just saying. I know.
SPEAKER_01You guys are welcome. You have this insight. Do you know what I mean? You have this insight into what girls do.
SPEAKER_00Also, major takeaway. Clean your fucking assholes. Clean your assholes because we're checking. We are checking. Whether you think we are or not. I know. I'm checking. We're checking. Anyway, they're. After wiping out his adoptive family through a series of stage fatal accidents, the sociopathic young boy is placed with a new family, quickly turning their lives into a nightmare as his dark tendencies resurface. So I'm just gonna say right off the bat, uh-huh. I hate how bad this movie makes like adopting and fostering look. Yeah. Like I hate that, but we're just gonna, we're gonna run with the movie. What I do like is that we get right the fuck to it. Girl, we get right into it. Mikey is literally playing with matches. Little fire ball. And fire during the opening credits, and we all know that's not fucking good. No, and no okay, so wait, he's 10? Nine? How old do you think he is? I don't know if they say. I don't know that they ever say either, but 10, 11? I think ten, I think ten is. In 1992, time makes sense. Like 10-year-olds now look 20. I know. So I can't tell. Yeah, I know. I'm also generally bad at telling how old people are. Same. He's like little though, but he's old enough to like talk good. Uh huh. They get they start that pretty young. How old? How old do kids talk? Yeah. Kindergarten is like five or six. And that's not good. Well, I mean, I don't consider that good. Just be getting full sentences and holding esoteric football.
SPEAKER_01But it's pretty stupid. Well, sure.
SPEAKER_00It's like Mikey's having like an intelligent. No, he's not six. He's the size of a six-year-old. I would say he's ten or eleven. Okay. Yeah. He is. They also don't say oh, he's in fourth grade. Don't they say fourth grade? Then would you be like I think 10. 15? I think ten. Yeah. I think fourth grade you would be between nine and ten. Okay. Maybe eleven at the old. Maybe eleven. So between nine and eleven, we've really narrowed it down. Okay. So he's like playing with fire when this diva comes and stomps out the fire in a six-inch yield. Smacks smacks the fuck out of Mikey, dude. And I was like, yeah, I mean, correct. Yeah, he is in the fucking house. He is in the Yeah, he's like in a bedroom upstairs. Yeah. Yeah. Also, how did he get matches? Well, kids do be doing that. How did I get weed? You know what I mean? Like, how did I Dim Hogan? Big ol' Hogan's is how you got weed. See, my feet just got really excited. I know. When you mentioned my tits, my feet went crazy. So I think we'll just train ourselves that when either of us gets excited, we both we both have to move our feet around. So funny. We're gonna try and trick you. We're gonna try and make you think it's the other person. You'll never know. There's no evidence or clues in any of our past episodes about whose feet are who. No, I don't think so. One of us has a belly button ring, though, so as long as we keep it back. Which we all forgot about. If they I was thinking about that recently. It always cracks me up. I was trying to mention it. We were talking about piercings at work, and I was trying to find a way to bring it up, and I was like, there's no way this doesn't sound insane. No. There's no way to be like, oh, Andy had her belly button pierced for 20 years and we forgot. Collectively forgot. That makes me think of like those uh those like things people are talking about on the internet right now with like people changing the past.
SPEAKER_01Mandala effect. Like, no, no, no, no. Like that the government is testing changing things, like the fruit of the loom logo. Oh, sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I swear to God, like is it? Yeah, that's considered fruit of the loom is generally when you watch those videos on YouTube, it's generally considered.
SPEAKER_01There's like a testing thing they're talking about specifically, but but I don't know if it's the same or not. But they it's like that where like I didn't actually get my belly button pierced and suddenly it was just there. Do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00Like that's kind of how it felt like that's absolutely how it felt. No, I hadn't been I've known you so long. Dude, I've seen you undressed so much, and none of us remembered that I had a belly button ring. Like that's crazy. It does feel weird, but I don't think Andrew pierced it in your sleep. No, this was over the pandemic. Oh, is that when we figured out?
SPEAKER_01Yes, remember we were on the quarrens stream.
SPEAKER_00What were we doing?
SPEAKER_01We were on video chat, and I just I found it that morning.
SPEAKER_00I discovered it, and then I showed you guys, and we were all screaming because none of us knew I had it. That is so funny. Speaking of the quarantre, yeah, rip RAP guys.
SPEAKER_01So, yeah, we there's some YouTube videos up. That's a good one. Yeah, we've we've already got the bones. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We can we can stretch it out.
SPEAKER_01Everyone still hates us on YouTube, you guys. We have a couple YouTube videos of us making fun of the black veil ghost. Yeah. The black well ghost.
SPEAKER_00I don't think we made fun of it as much as we held it accountable. We held it accountable and we did do a whole episode dressed up as him, though. I forgot about that. We did one dress up as him reviewing his movie. Um then he listened. But a lot of people believed that the blackwell ghost movies were real, so they were very upset with us for accepting. We thought they were real too. The first one. That's why we were upset. That was literally the whole premise. Read the material. I know. That was why they were mad at us.
SPEAKER_01So people still talk shit on us on fucking Insta or on YouTube because of that shit. Wait till they get a load of your sock.
SPEAKER_00So anyway, you guys, Mikey, he gets he gets smacked around by his fucking diva of a mother. You mean Michael Scott Kelvin? Is that your talking name? Michael Scott Kelvin. Michael Scott Kelvin. This guy was destined for great destiny. So Mikey Beth is his adoptive sister, and he takes Beth and grabs her toy because he's jealous that she gets all the attention, she gets all the love.
SPEAKER_01Everyone's nice to Beth. But Beth, you know, he was like trying to get Beth to take the blame for starting the fires, even though it was like very obviously him. And she's like, No, I'm not doing that.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's what he says, but then almost immediately after that, he says, Beth, why didn't you say it was your fire? And she was like, I'm not telling. It did seem like she actually was the one who was doing it, that she had started the fire. Like he was burning matches, but she was the one who had started the problem. And they imply that they adopted him and then they had a baby after. So Beth is like their biological child. They had him when they thought they couldn't have any biological children, and so he's like, he he's the one that they don't want anymore. They want to return him, but they can't.
SPEAKER_01So he takes her toy and he runs out to the edge of the pool, and I'm just like First of all, this pool death trap.
SPEAKER_00It really is. This is an un No children should live at this house. This pool has like a curb around it, so you could just just cement curb and just trip on it. And they're very sharp edged. Yes. They're very square, very rectangular. He's like using it as a balance beam. It's also very jagged and misshapen. Yeah, it is head trauma central. It is just waiting for somebody to get fucking doned. And it faked us out though, because she doesn't trip on that shit. He gets her up onto the diving board, and I was like, oh, like, yeah. As a kid who I know this sounds like a very privileged statement and it medium is, but as a kid who grew up in a house with a pool and two older brothers who also had older dude friends, I was very triggered. Yeah, I'm sure. I can't believe how many times I almost died just because a boy did some shit to me. We didn't have a diving board, it wasn't that deep.
SPEAKER_01But um, this one was deep enough for a diving board either, but they had one.
SPEAKER_00They had one. He gets her out there, he's holding her doll out over like a fucking dolphin or like a fish over a fucking orca cage. And I'm sure you're wondering, where's where's D.Va? Where's mother? Yeah, she well, she's done mothering. Dude, she literally does an actual strip tease thing. For the camera for bath time and said, fuck those kids. She's in the bath. Yeah, cheating sexual. Yeah, having a glass of wine, bubble bath. It's such a weird juxtaposition, though. It's like showing the kids be like about to get a big deal. Run even screaming in the bike, like, and like pulling off like a silk robe. Okay, well, I know you've never been a mother, but that's what it's like. So every day.
SPEAKER_01Mikey throws the toy in the water. Right. Beth is like at the very edge of the diving board and she's reaching down towards the toy, and he's jumping in the back so that she like bounces off and goes into the water, but she doesn't know how to swim. So, first kill of the fucking episode is five seconds in.
SPEAKER_00Five seconds in. Kid death. Yeah, great. Which I couldn't believe, honestly. They like show her floating face down in the background all the time, too. Now I know we could have done this research, but why would we? Uh, this feels very made for TV. Yes, it does. And that's what I said at the end of last episode. I'm surprised it was rated R because it feels very made for TV. But the violence is not. Yeah. Yeah, it's very, it's very weird. It feels like a director's cut of a made for TV. Like, don't adopt kids. They're bad. I know. What is the PSA here? I hate it. I think that's it. So mom is talking on the phone with a friend. Bitch, I had this phone growing up. That is exactly the first cordless phone we ever had at my house. She's unfortunately talking about how Mikey was like a big old mistake. Yeah. This is when we find out that like he's not even my son. I'm his stepmom. Yada yada yada. Yeah. And like, and then he's bad and he's like not getting any better.
SPEAKER_01And like, what a mistake. He comes in and tosses, he basically is like, yo, heads up and tosses her a fucking toaster, a plugged-in toaster.
SPEAKER_00He gets a hairdryer and kills her big time. Zonks are. Yeah. She's all cooked. Great. He and he, so what they did really well is the casting with this kid. Yeah. He does not feel like he's acting. No, some real bad problem child shit. He really is. This kid is, he's got like the sweetest most 1992 good son face. Yeah. Um, little freckles, little tiny, like so cute, but like when he's bad, he looks scary. He looks like Theodore from The Chipmunks. Yeah. But like as a human child. Right. That's what he looks like. And he's so sweet and he's so articulate, everything he says. So now he's downstairs. He's downstairs and playing with metal marbles? He's dumping metal marbles on the ground. Who gave this child metal marbles? What are the metal marbles? What are they for? What do you play with those about? I don't know. And they're big. They're huge. They're like, if you know a shooter marble size, it's like one and a half times that big. And again, metal. Metal. So they're all over the floor. Maybe they're ball bearings. Maybe. And then he has a baseball bat too.
SPEAKER_01And he's just kind of like hanging out. When his father, Vince McMahon, walks to the door.
SPEAKER_00Mikey has set up that metal marble, fucking home alone style threat-mousetrap situation. And dad comes in. He's like, What's up, slugger? Like, what are you doing? And then he turns and sees Beth floating face down in the pool, goes to run. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's on the fucking marbles, goes flying through the screen door, glass shatters. He's in the ground. When Mikey comes up over him, I think he says, he goes, see ya, champ. Yeah, because his dad called him Slugger.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And he did say he delivers a line when his dad first comes home, and his dad's like, What did you do today? And he's like, Nothing, dad. Just waiting for you. Yeah. Real child's play like this. That's what I said.
SPEAKER_01I was like, he's literally like a physical Chucky. Yeah. Like he's like a Chucky doll come to life. Yeah. So then he whacks his dad over the fucking head with this baseball bat.
SPEAKER_00With an aluminum bat, puts a dad-shaped dent in the bat. In the bat. Blood everywhere. Incredible. This is, guys, this is 10 minutes into the movie, and we've just annihilated the entire family. Unfortunately, this is the best part of the movie. It really is. It goes downhill from here. Because then it shows that he also videotaped all of this for himself to re-watch. Yeah, that kid is definitely 12. He's jerking it. That kid's fucked up, dude. Yeah, this is, he's getting a lot of pleasure out of this.
SPEAKER_01So then he like goes upstairs and hides in the closet.
SPEAKER_00So then when the detectives come, like, they're like, oh, we found this one in the closet. And he's like, it was a bushy dude with a hit bushy hail and a mustache and a wedge shirt and a brown car. And I'm like, way too much detail, kid.
SPEAKER_01You're giving yourself away, you fucker.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, except for nobody would think a nice little white boy would do such a thing. I know. Well, actually, I would. Well, yeah, that's why we're not in these positions. But that's one. If you showed me a slain family of white boys exactly who the my first I as a press and FBI profiler. Uh-huh. You would bring me all the white jokes. Bring me all the whites. Oh, gross. Bring me the whites. No. Put them in a lineup. All of them. All of them. All of them. Just take them. They've all done something that they deserve caught for. Just take them all.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. I'm sure of it. So anyway. He puts on a good show for like the child psychiatrist. He does.
SPEAKER_00And he he tells a tale that his mom sent him away, implying that. So now this woman is dead. Yeah. Now he's implying that she was fucking this fucking brawny paper towel dude. And said that they sent him away. Yeah. They sent him away to the park. So he's a big thing.
SPEAKER_01And the point is even like, I saw them exchange money and then she put on her robe.
SPEAKER_00Like he's saying mom was a trick. Or actually, Brawny was a trick. No, he really is. Mom was a worker. Yeah. Yeah. He's still shitting on them. And he's doing it perfectly. So yeah. So the therapist is like, he seems great. Deeply adjusted. Right. Big words. Love him. Get him a new mom and daddy. Yeah. Perfect. So they do. New parents adopt Mikey from the mall, it looks like. Yeah, apparently that's where you do all children drop-offs. It's before they had Amazon lockers, you just dropped a kid off at the mall. Put them right in the center of the mall. I love that coming up the escalator reveal. That was so weird, dude. Everything about it. And like Christmas lights everywhere. It was so weird. Everything was too much. But so we've got Rachel and Neil. Yeah. Neil? Neil. Okay. Yeah. And they are like, I'm not sure I want to do this.
SPEAKER_01And then they're like, there he is. Girls, no one is making you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Also, just like turn around. Like you could just walk past this kid and pretend like you don't know. Seriously. I don't know if you know that woman who's near him, but run.
SPEAKER_01Run, dude.
SPEAKER_00But they're like, okay, whatever. They're gonna do it.
SPEAKER_01I swear to God, they drive to the same house that the family was just annihilated at. Well, we can only afford so many sets.
SPEAKER_00It was the same fucking exterior, I swear. Suburbs kind of have a look. Yeah. And uh they we meet the neighbor right away. Her name is Miss Owens.
SPEAKER_01It's like the only time we're gonna see her.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. She's a single mom and she has a son named Ben. Um I don't like Ben's head. Okay, so this is hilarious because I haven't been feeling well.
SPEAKER_01It's been a perfect opportunity for my boyfriend to show me a bunch of Disney movies, right? Because they're happy mostly. He's not showing me any of the sad ones, but like I just don't want to watch anything sad. So he put on Tarzan. The cartoon? Yeah, like the cartoon version of the movie. Okay. And this boy, Ben, he pointed this out, this is true. Looks exactly like the monkey that Roseanne Donald, Roseanne O'Donnell, Roseanne Roseanne.
SPEAKER_00Rose O'Donnell, pull it up. I'm gonna pull up who I think he looks like. Okay. I keep opening my poop on accident. I gotta delete that. Exactly what that kid looks like. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
SPEAKER_01He also sounds a little bit like Roseanne O'Donnell, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00Roseanne O'Donnell is too much. Okay, here's who I think he looks like. It's also a Disney character. It's also you oo'd me. But I'm not watching up a Disney character. Who is that? The hunchback of Notre Dame? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Both very unflattering. Yeah. This kid is so cute, you guys. He's so cute, but like he does look like big. Both of those things. Yeah. His head is just too big for his small body. Yeah. His name's Ben. He's fine. He's he's again the single mom kid. Yeah, and they mentioned like their sister, hit Ben's sister Jesse, and immediately like keep her away. Yeah. Because I thought she was littler. No. Luckily, she's a teenager. But even Mikey is like, say more. Tell me about your sister. Where is she and why is she not here now? Mikey's ears grew three inches that day. They did. He's looking a little more Roseanne O'Donnell. And then Sean, the fucking girl from Hellraiser, walks through the door. Dude, fuck yeah. Crazy. She's so beautiful.
SPEAKER_01She is. She's so stunning.
SPEAKER_00And she is Rachel's best friend.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00She is also the fourth grade teacher.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. And Mikey seems like he's in love with her immediately. And she's like, I'm not gonna take it easy on you just because you're my friend's kid. You little fuck.
SPEAKER_00You little fuck. I mean, get to the bottom of why you're here. Yeah. I know there's something suspicious behind you. She doesn't. She's like supportive because, again, like you said, the second like everyone leaves the room, Sean and Rachel are talking about how much like Rachel doesn't want kids. It's like, girl, why are we here? Why are you doing this then? Well, I have a guess. Fucking Neil.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and see what's going on.
SPEAKER_00Neil needs a slugger. Yeah. So Neil goes and takes Mikey to shoot arrows, and we're getting he's a real we need to talk about Kevin. Real we need to talk about Kevin. He's way too good at crossbows. And he they're doing like little dinky like show and arrow with just a string, and he sees the guy with the crossbow, and he's like, whoa, dad, look at that. Yeah. He also doing like the child equivalent of love bombing. Yes. So he's mom and daddy. I love you, daddy. Are you guys gonna be my new mommy and daddy? You guys, it's so gross. It's really gross, especially because you know what the fuck he's up to. You know. No, it's really gross. And like the dad's like, because he was just like, did you bring your last kid heel?
SPEAKER_01And his daddy's like, no, you're my only kid.
SPEAKER_00Who's Toys are those in my room? I bought them just for you, Mikey. I love you so much. You're the best dad I haven't killed. It's weird. It's so gross. It's it's exactly what happens if you don't need to watch it. We've we've just given you the whole thing. So he goes to school, Sean's there, Ben's there, whatever. Wait, we forgot to talk about Rachel's profession. Okay, she's as she has his fish takes. She makes aquariums. She does fish. You know, like a lady does. What a fucking what a weird job. I mean, that's like crazy. I know that like people, like there's companies that do that for like celebrity homes.
SPEAKER_01You know what I mean? But they're like one guy. No, it's not one guy, it's not freshwater tanks. Yeah. Like it's usually like big coral and like it's like, you know.
SPEAKER_00It's a situation, but it's also a group of people. It's not Rachel. No, it's and she's like, oh yes, I'm a professional aquariarian. Aquariarian. I don't know. What would you I don't know? But I just they just say it like it's a normal, real job. And I was like, no, what we couldn't have made her like literally a fucking bagger at a grocery store. I don't care. I don't care people. An aquariarian. Aquariarian is just a little too hard to believe. I would love to be an aquariarian. No, I would love it also. Yeah. But we only mention this because it's like there's all these little like nuggets that you think are gonna turn into something bigger. There's baby fish in the tank who she tells him he's in charge of. At one point, those fish go missing and he has a big explosion. It's like they're just showing us that his controlled persona of a perfect is gonna slip a facade.
SPEAKER_01So on the walk home, Ben suggests like a shortcut through the cemetery to kind of like creep out Mikey, but Mikey's like, oh bet, yeah, let's go through.
SPEAKER_00And Ben's like, no, wait, no, I don't actually I don't like your enthusiasm. And as soon as they get in there, they have like a little argument because Ben asks, like, like Ben says his dad's dead, right?
SPEAKER_01Like, that's why he has a single mom because Mikey's like, must be heart only having a mom, a stupid mom.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it must be must be your mom's fault that she doesn't have a male counterpart to support her emotionally. Ben's so sweet, and he's like, Yeah, my dad died, and blah blah blah. And Mikey's asking all these like really uncomfortable, morbid. This is day one of school. Yeah. Day one of them hanging out. And then Ben says, like, so when did your dad die? And he freaks out on him, which it's like, dude, you killed your dad. So your dad is dead. One of all, two of all, you just went hard on Ben's dead dad. Right.
SPEAKER_01So, like, why are you being such a dick? But like then, Mikey like disappears, and Ben's all scared in the cemetery by himself, and it's like Mikey's like laying on a fresh grave, just being fucking weird.
SPEAKER_00Just being fucking weird. Smile and smile and makes like a mild thread at him. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, Ben Ron, you cute little baby Roseanne O'Donnell. Escape. Get out of there.
SPEAKER_00Get free, little baby. Little, what's the guy from yours? Quasi Quasi Moto. Roseanne Quasimoto's. Rosimoto.
SPEAKER_01Rosimoto. So um Miss Sean ends up, they they have this like little game in class.
SPEAKER_00And this is like isn't a big deal. No, it's not, and it, but again, it's one of those things that like they make you feel like it's gonna be a big deal. They basically have this gigantic Rube Goldberg machine. Yes. And whoever gets the most metal balls, it's the same metal balls from earlier. Yeah, but they're metal again. I think so. Yeah, they're like silver, just like the ones that he had. I thought they had like the yellow and the colors. They look metal to me, but it doesn't matter. The point is, you get them, you get to put one in the machine, and then a treat is revealed. Well, once the thing is full. Once the marble thing is full. So what Sean does is he grabs a handful of marbles.
SPEAKER_01Mikey. Sorry, Mikey, and he brings them into the class. And when Miss Sean isn't looking, he dumps like 15 of them in there. Right. And she catches him and she's like, Listen, I'm not gonna tell your parents because you're gonna tell your parents. Right. I promise. And he's like, Yeah, I'll totally do that. Well, the next day, Rachel goes and hangs out with Miss Sean. Right. And Miss Sean's like, so did he tell you? And she's like, no, but she doesn't out him.
SPEAKER_00She just notes in her head that he's a liar. She's immediately sus. Yeah, no, she is after this. Because she is her and Rachel are both like, he's a little too perfect. No kidding, no problems.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, what else is really weird about this situation is Rachel gives Miss Sean a gun in public out of nowhere. Why did that happen? Rachel's like, I can't have this in the house anymore, and I know you've been on the market for a gun.
SPEAKER_00And it's like they're literally in broad daylight in like a marketplace. Like people are eating lunch all around, and she just hands Miss Sean a fucking revolver. Well, tells her to put it in her bag. It's so weird. No one just gives people guns like that. Well, you can't. No! It's a gun. It's so weird.
SPEAKER_01So later on at school, Mikey draws like a turkey decapitating a pilgrim for Thanksgiving or whatever.
SPEAKER_00Classic. Miss Sean tries to escalate this to the principal because she's had to do, you know, psychology classes about sensitivity training. She's like, I'm worried about them. The principal's like, I don't think it's that big of a deal. But again, we'll put a pin in that because that does come back. Also, why is the principal all the coach the sports coach? He is the sports coach. Why? I don't know. I hate that. So, you guys, we're finally gonna meet Sister Jesse. Sister Jesse, why are you such a babe? I thought that was a real song. I was like, I'm here today. It's definitely Sister Crush. Okay, okay, okay. No, I get it now. I'm with you. I just was like, I was trying to get there and I couldn't recognize it. And then I was like, I don't know what this is. Yeah. So Jesse comes home from college. Yeah. Or she was at some kind of away camp or something. She's between 15 and 20. I know. I have like no fucking.
SPEAKER_01Um, but they like prank her into like Mikey and her touching mouths, which is like really uncontrolled, because then she like gives them like mouth to mouth because that's what it looks like needs to happen.
SPEAKER_00He does some kind of trick, which again comes up later, but not really and doesn't make sense. Where he says if he puts a ball under his armpit. This was so stupid. Because I was immediately I was like, let me try this shit. But he says if you do it in the right way, when somebody touches your wrist, it feels like you have to have a ball. I don't know if that's true or not. I don't think that's true. I don't think so. No. But so he does that, gets her to do mouth to mouth, and at the end she's like, Well, you are a good kisser, though. Okay. Ma'am. This begins the creepiest shit. I ain't trying to victim blame, but don't be telling a child that. That's a child. You're between 15 and 25. Correct. A big window. He's between six and 11. A different window. A gross never the two shall meet. Never. She is, you guys. She low-key flirts with him. And she's she's behaving like it's this like very like no big deal girl. Don't be talking to a boy like that. And she's hot, dude. Yeah. And we just established all small white boys are demons. Demons. Full of the fire of the devil inside. Yeah. You can't spark them. We all know it is a woman's fault and responsibility not to bring pain upon herself by inciting the demon within the boy. Of course, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean.
SPEAKER_00And I mean, and then she has the nerve to be pretty. She has the nerve to be pretty too. And Lord! And have a boyfriend named David! He's very cute. David is a total babe. He does not look like a David. He does, he does not. No. He should have a much more mysterious name. Yeah. He also should ride a motorcycle. He should ride a motorcycle. His name should be like Mario. Yeah. He, you know who he looks like? What whose vibes he has? Uncle Jesse from Full House. Total Uncle Jesse. It's like, he's like if bad boy was a costume, but not really bad. Like he definitely still lives with his parents and they pay all his bills. Like he just like likes to. Yeah. And he uses a switchblade comb. Yes. Yeah. But anyway. Yeah, you guys. So anyway, David is in her closet hoping to get some poody thing. She walks in the room, he's there, yikes. Again, she just getting yikes all over the place. She's way too calm about this. Way too calm. The way I would be screaming, like, you guys are fucking with my nervous system. Like the way I just had to give mouth to mouth to a child and then tell him he's a good kisser. Right? I just met the girl. You didn't have to. I didn't even know he existed before this. Yeah. And now David Mario's in my closet. No, it's unfair. But David Mario's a good surprise. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's hot. Um, so that night, though, Mikey sneaks out of his fucking house and climbs a goddamn tree and sneaks into Jesse's fucking bedroom to watch her sleep. Nah. No. Nah. No, big no. So um, it's really fucking gross. And we start. So does he film her this night?
SPEAKER_01Not yet, but he like lays under her bed and like listens to her sleep. It's really fucking gross. And then the next day, he takes, or even that, I think it's actually that night, there's like a frog that's jumping around. It's Ben's frog. He feeds it to the piranhas in his mother's fish tank. Not the aquarium. Not the aquarium. So then we have marble time at school. Yeah. This is the fucking crazy thing. All of these kids, every time they do homework, every time they do something good, they put one marble in each, right? Right. When the marbles finally fill the thing, Mikey was the last one to put the marble in. The little thing goes around and it spits out a fucking digital watch and only Mikey gets it. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
SPEAKER_00Everybody had to contribute to this. Mikey wins the prize. And everybody is so happy for him. They're all clapping for him. There is no fucking universe where I'd be happy that the new kid who's only been here a week. Big head bends over there, like, yeah, Mikey, you deserve it. Girl. Not a chance. This is not realistic. It's like this has nothing to do with anything. No, just to show us that like he's selfish. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But Rachel now completely unrelated. She's on. Or sorry, not Rachel. Sean. Yes. She's trying to dig up his records. Yes. She wants to know where he came from. She's instantly like sus. Like something is off about this kid. She calls his old school to check why he's weird. And the other school's like. Can you imagine if somebody called to find out why we were weird? Oh my god, would they get so many answers now? Yeah, we don't have time. They would have a whole board of like no. No Charlie Day. Charlie Day. Yeah. Yeah. Because dude, you could date back. We've probably been weird in so many different ways for so many decades. I have never not been weird. I've just been lots of different volumes of weird. Yeah. Yeah. Some scarier than others. It depends on who you talk to. Depends on the day. Yeah. I never want to know. I never want to know. Unless until it's like my documentary and those fucking people come forward and they're like, yeah, we were in seventh grade. She was fucking weird. Weird. But them titties though.
SPEAKER_02But them titties.
SPEAKER_00Make a lot of excuses for a wreck like that. It's true. It's true.
SPEAKER_01So anyway, whenever she calls Mikey's old school, the woman's like, I don't know if I should tell you. And then she's like, okay, girl, get close. She's like, so anyway, Mikey's whole fucking family got annihilated.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. While his mom was whoring out and pushed him to the park, poor thing, found them all. Right. She gives up the goods immediately. Immediately. Sings like a canary. Doesn't even, she's not worried about like the violations. Ah, they don't got that yet. It's the 90s. Kids don't even have to be home yet. That's true.
SPEAKER_01They're all the smoking clouds. Exactly. The children are smoking in kindergarten. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00That's your first day of school. You get a box of tissues, box of crayons, box of marlows. Yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. So Jessie is sitting outside tanning, and Mikey like comes over and he's like, Hi, Jesse, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, uh hell, good kisser. What's my little good kisser doing? Haven't even thought about you since last time we cast. Dude, she is way too flirty with him.
SPEAKER_01She invites him out on the paddle boat, gets out in a fucking bikini.
SPEAKER_00He literally is like, Hi, is your brother here? And she's like, no, but why don't you and I go out on the boat together? Girl. Again, never be alone with a child. Ever. No. Like one, because ew. Ooh. Like, it's this is your free time. Right, why? You want to fucking babysit? Get out of here. And then she's just like all over, like she's just like really way too flirty with him. It is weird. And it's like one day when you look at another girl the way you're looking at me right now because like my tits are like everywhere. Perfect. Make sure you treat her good, okay? Yeah, I just really want you to be like a good man for the girl of your dreams. And I know it's me, but it could be somebody else someday. Because me and David Mario are pretty committed to each other. Yeah, like your age is not an issue for me. I don't know. I'm just more concerned about like, can we kiss standing up? Laying down, we're fine, but it's the up part that's fine. Yeah, it's really gross. And then she paddles him back to safety. Why is he on your boat? Why? Also, this fucking piece of property, this beautiful ass, giant ass house. Yeah. Just right into the water. On a lake. You walk down your front. It's crazy. You can't have intrusive thoughts and live there. So Mikey is all horned up from hanging out with Jesse. He goes straight home and watches his parents' death videos. Yep, that's not crossing any wires. Whoa. Yeah. Like rotten.com shit. What's crazy though is like up until this point, the only persons who knew who he really was, they're all dead. Yeah. So like what he has been very, very clever about what he has shown everyone. So his teacher's suspicions are valid, but like not founded in anything.
SPEAKER_01Not in anything. Yeah. And honestly, I'm shocked she's gotten here because nothing else has happened besides him sneaking some marbles in, which is such a kid thing to do.
SPEAKER_00He's done lots of bad stuff, but nobody's seen it.
SPEAKER_01And like who hasn't like had a picture of a decapitated pilgrim? Yeah, I mean they've drawn.
SPEAKER_00Honestly, I one of my first drawings ever is a painting called Mommy with Blood on Her Face. And it's just a finger paint drawing of my mom and then red paint all over her face. Oh my god, that's terrifying. Yeah, it was like four. That's hilarious. I drew my babysitter. She was like my grandma. I drew she was blonde and I drew her. Asking for it. I drew her with yellow pubes. I just drew her naked. And I drew with yellow pubes. Dude, put somebody in jail. Yeah, my parents were like, is she naked in front of you? And I was like, I don't know, maybe. She wasn't. Could be. Prove it. If she was, I imagine her pubes would be blonde. Would I know about her pubes if I hadn't seen her naked? Yeah, I mean, she found it hilarious. That's lucky. She found it hilarious. No, she probably would have kissed you too.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00But Jesse. Yeah. I don't trust her. I don't know. And again, she nobody like fully crosses the line until it's all the way across. It's true. It's true. So Jessie is changing in front of her fucking window, right?
SPEAKER_01Yes. And our dude Mikey is recording it with, you know, so like the video will now be his parents' death and then her changing. And then her changing. Which is so fucking gross.
SPEAKER_00But then, oh no, in the window steps, David Mario. Oh no, not day not DM. She is she's not just getting naked. She's gonna ride that dew. Oh no, they're about to get biblical. He can't he can't stand this. No, he can't take it. This is insufferable. That's his woman as established on the paddle boat. He grabs the world's largest rock and puts that in the tree. He throws it across the way, breaks, shatters her fucking bedroom window. Yeah. Could have killed her.
SPEAKER_01Could have killed her. Mario David goes out there screaming, Who the fuck is that?
SPEAKER_00I can't believe this off looking kill you. Again, all appropriate reactions. And she's mad at him. She's mad at him. She's like, oh my god, you're doing too much. It's just my other boyfriend baby child. Well, he's like, who the fuck is it this time, huh? Yeah. Who's breaking your window this time, huh? I'm like, I love that this is her pattern. She's got boys in the tree watching and throwing rocks. Like, what? Honestly, I love that for her. Yeah, she's not her parents. I can't imagine having to replace that window each. So expensive. And it's a single mom. You know what I mean? Miss Owens by herself. Haven't seen her again. No, we never will. They paid her for that one scene. Never will see her again. So, Mikey, this is like really disgusting, you guys.
SPEAKER_01Mikey, they uh Jesse has a cat. I forget what this name is, and the cat comes out and is being really sweet to Mikey. Yeah. Mikey snaps its neck and shoves it under the wheel of David Mario's car. So when they get into a fight inside, David Mario goes to leave and thinks he killed the cat.
SPEAKER_00Right. And so does Jesse. And Jesse's furious again. And David Mario's like, I got it. And he's running Joe. Yes. He caught Nigel's. He's cat's caught NI Joe and he's like, Don't you feel better now? This is like I always feel better after I do that. Especially after I kill cat. Right. Well, this is actually kind of crazy because I was like, dude, that's instant breakup. Yeah. And Andrew was like, really? And I was like, yeah. I was like, if you ran over one of my dogs, he was like, that's a lot of pressure. I was like, what? I was like, don't run over one of my dogs. First of all, that pressure was already there, whether you knew about it or not. Fucking welcome to the chat. Like, there's always a pressure for you to not run over my dog. Or anybody's dog, to be clear. That is so valid. That pressure was always the end. You just were oblivious to it. What the actual fuck? Yeah. He was like, oh, come on. I was like, dude, no, that's it. Like, that's the end of that relationship. Breakup, I don't know, but we don't touch anymore. For like, like I mean, like, right. Whether we break up a moment, right, or we break up in a month, like, that's the end. You relate to me with my cat. Yeah, I can't get me anymore. Not for you after that. Guys, did you not know that? Because maybe this was an important episode. Maybe the boys needed to know. The boys needed to know. If you kill our pets, we're through. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, glad we established that. Always, always feel that pressure. It's there. We'll remind you. So funny. So um, they appear to break up in that moment, and Mikey is thrilled. Yeah. She's free, ready to be his. So then it takes a little bit of a turn. Yeah. Mikey is in his like third grade class or whatever. Uh-huh. He has his history book open with a picture of Jesse inside the page, and he's self-mutilating in class. Like a pin cush, like a pin a push. A push pin. A needle. A wall. That's a push pin. A push pin. Yeah. And the teacher's like, Hey, the fuck are you doing? Yeah, like most kids do that in the bathroom. Yeah, mission. Like, not in class. It's crazy. But yeah, so he's looking at this picture while he No, this is not good, guys. This is the first time where it's like, oh, it was oh we do need to talk about Kevin. The death videos when he was like warned up about it. No, no, yeah. No, you're right. This is the first time in public, like it's obvious to someone. We know. Yeah, we know. We knew when he killed his first family. Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We done been knowing. But this is this is the sign. Yeah. So she's like digging deeper.
SPEAKER_01She's like, Well, Marine calls in the parents.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. She calls in Rachel and Neil. They are so fucking defensive. Right.
SPEAKER_01They're like, you've always been jealous of us. You've always wanted a kid. That's what's going on here. And her and the principal are both there, and they're like, no, no, no. You have to understand. This is what he did with the photo of the pilgrim. Like, this is he was self-mutilating in class. And then she's like, Did you know his family was murdered?
SPEAKER_00Like, I think he might need therapy. And they're like, you don't know shit. She's not suggesting he is who he is. Right. She's suggesting he's suffering from a traumatic. He needs help and he needs support. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, the right thing that nobody ever did in the 90s. Right. And the teachers are like, we read books about parenting. We yeah, how many books did you read, you barren teacher who has no kids? Yeah, dude. Okay, girl. Okay, girl. Get killed. Get killed then. I don't care. So whenever Rachel goes home, the fish that Mikey was taking care of that you mentioned before, those little baby fish. Yeah, they're gone. She sold them. That bitch! He fucking freaks out and shatters the aquarium. Yeah, he does. Right in front of her. It's terrible. And so she's now she's starting to maybe consider. Yeah, something's wrong. So she's naked in the bathtub when Mikey comes in. Again. And she's gonna be reminiscent. Did you ever have those like bath oils? My grandma had them. She had a box of like this is pre-Epsom salt.
SPEAKER_01It was Were they like little plastic things?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And they had oils in them. So good. Did you ever put one in your mouth? I ate one. Yeah. Yeah, they looked beautiful. Yeah! It looks like a little candy. It shaped like an octopus or a seashell. It was always like something. Yeah, and they're full of bath oils. So good. They were fucking pure fabuloso. Like literally straight soap. Straight soap, greasy soap. Could not get that taste out of my mouth. I did have an affinity for bar soap because I got in trouble a lot. For eating it? No, no, no. I wouldn't. You gotta eat it because I would say bad stuff. I remember calling my sister a slut after watching a particular episode of Jerry Springer. Just because you wanted to taste the soap. What kind of soap did you? Were you a dove? Ivory Irish Springs. Irish Springs. That was my next guest. It was the green Irish Spring. I'll never forget the taste of it. Like I can taste it right now just talking about it. Do you watch shape? I can't even say the words but mouth water and cutting.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god, dude. My mouth's watering now, too.
SPEAKER_00Horny.
SPEAKER_01So horny. Or like when they empty them out and they and they put the shaving cream in and they crunch like shit.
SPEAKER_00My mouth's getting wet. You know what that you know what feels like that? Uh Klondike bar. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Hell yeah, it does. You put that in a bowl and just my mouth. I always, I can't buy them. No. One, I hate the milk chocolate. It's terrible. Yeah. It's so bad. But I also, it's like you take one normal human bite and then it all starts to fall apart.
SPEAKER_01You have to like that's why I put it in a bowl and I just crunch it up and eat it. Because it does, it just melts and falls apart. It's crazy. But I do, I grew up with Klondike bars.
SPEAKER_00Like my dad always had a mint chocolate Klondike bar in there. Yeah, I fuck with it. Dude, my mouth is so wet. A heath. A heath. I like the crunch. Yeah. Crunch bar. They always do some kind of collab. They were one of the early collaborators. Now our mouths are we're just drooling at each other. My mouth is so wet. This started with soap. It started with little bath oils. It started with eating grandma's bath oil. We are so fucked up. We are so fucked up. And it's crazy that, like, from across the country. Yeah, and we were both eight years apart. I was eight. That's so funny. You were a bit do you think I was like teleporting messages to you before I knew you? I was your first spiritual ancestor. That's so funny. Eat the chalk. In 30 years, we're gonna joke about this on a podcast. It's gonna make us feel medium better. My mouth is so wet. I know. I'm so hungry for shit. We shouldn't be eating a bunch of chalk over here when God thank goodness. Dry it up. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. No, it's making it wetter. So he comes in with mom in the tub with the grandma's bath oil. Yes, yes, yes. And he is care, he has like a plugged in hot iron and he's like, if I put this in there, you know that you'd like electrocute up, right? He's opening it and closing it. There was, this is not super important, but there was an electricity teaching in class. They were learning about electricity. So it's like, yeah, that's true. Fresh on his mind. Yes. And um he says, Yeah. Yeah, if I put this in there with you, you would just like frizzle. Fuck you. You would miss his frizzle. Yeah. Frizzle your frizzle. She's like, Yeah, you little fucking weirdo. Set it down, unplug it. She doesn't say it that harshly though, and she does it in a way that diffuses the situation.
SPEAKER_01But he like thinks about it for a minute. Like he's like, he lets her know with his eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00He lets her know with his eyes, I understand that this will end you. I'm choosing not to right now. Take note. I have this gun. I got the power. So Jesse and David make up, and Mikey's not okay. Yeah. He thought he was like, I literally killed your cat. Like, what else do I have to do? So the mom is never fucking home next door, and Jesse is about to fuck David in the hot tub. Sure the fuck is. They are drunk. She's wearing not a bathing suit, but instead a like a full-leg Leotard? Yeah, full legot in the hot tub girl. First of all, it's gonna be real hard to get finger blasted in that thing. It's a one piece. How is he gonna get in there? He's gonna have to go up the ankle. Can you imagine trying to slip through your way? A whole leg someone's leg, dude? In that 90s fan deck, it wasn't a four-way stretch. That was a two-way stretch.
SPEAKER_01It was a two-way stretch, dude.
SPEAKER_00That was cotton. That was a cotton. This is just one piece. This definitely felt like they were like, oh shit, we forgot to get a bathing suit. What do you have? And she's like, I have my workout leotard. And they were like, perfect. It's so weird. Get in there. She also gets in with a full dress on. Yes. Which I also had that dress. Did you? It is a cute dress. And with that full body Leotard, I think. It makes sense. It makes sense. But her taking that, just getting in with that was so weird. Yeah. So they're like getting hot and heavy. And what Mikey does is he plays his parents' death video and he gets the fucking phone and he calls Jesse's house so that Jesse will answer the phone and hear some weird shit going on and distract her. Right. So she leaves the hot tub to go inside and answer this phone.
SPEAKER_01She thinks her mom's probably calling from her night shift, being of whatever, whatever she does. Whatever she does for 24 hours a day.
SPEAKER_00What's the opposite of aquariums? She works at there and like she's like listening to the phone call and being like, who is this? What do you want? Yeah. Meanwhile, Mikey goes to pay a little visit to David Mario. And he's like, You don't know me, but I know you. Yeah. And this little boom box right here, packs punch. Whoop ham. He kicks that radio in. Would this hurt somebody? So I didn't think because it's not plugged in. I didn't think it would. That's been my again, I haven't done a lot of research, but like I thought it was the plugging in that's bringing the electricity current from the road. It's just gonna frazzle. Yeah, it's just gonna die. Like he break the radio. Oh, we don't care. Moving on, whatever.
SPEAKER_01So he fucking does die, then Jesse ends up finding him dead. She's fucking devastated. She thinks they were drinking and left the radio too close, and like she's an idiot or whatever, which is terrible. So Mickey takes his opportunity to be really creepy with Jesse and be like, now you can just love me. So Jesse's like, uh, this guy, like something's fucking wrong with him. Yeah. Meanwhile, Miss Sean ends up calling the detective from his hometown and kind of discovering how his family was murdered.
SPEAKER_00The electrical situation where she's like, I need to know everything about this case. And he's like, I can't tell you that, ma'am. And she's like, please. And he's like, I'll fax it about your high school. Yeah, he's like, I'll fax it to your high school. Don't worry about it. What? What? So she gets all the all the information. Now she knows it was Mikey because she's heard about David's murder. Right. And knows that Jesse was in his notebook. Like, and did Rachel tell him about Mikey threatening or no? I don't think so, but like put the pieces together somehow. Her and the principal.
SPEAKER_01So um what happens is Jesse goes to talk to Rachel about what the fuck he just said. Right. Like that now we can be together and that it's kind of creepy. Um, but she kind of does a terrible job of explaining it and eventually just kind of says, Mikey killed David, and he's fucking dangerous. And you need to know that. And of course, Rachel is defending him and saying, get out of my house, whatever. It is a bit of a stretch. It is. Mikey overhears all of this and unplugs all the phones. Yep. And he's getting ready to annihilate the family again.
SPEAKER_00Which is crazy because it's like your mom is like has your side. Defending you.
SPEAKER_01So like it's not like she's like, oh shit, I fucked up.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I guess he thinks the jig is up.
SPEAKER_01I think so. So Michon and the principal are driving over to Rachel's house like simultaneously because they need to tell her about the murder.
SPEAKER_00And it's like 10 p.m.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. It's so weird.
SPEAKER_00Dad's still at work. Yes. Rachel f she goes to find Mikey and he's up there watching the video he made killing David. Right. And this is on purpose. He wants her to see him watching this.
SPEAKER_01So he turns and he has a fucking hammer and he smashes Rachel's hand big time.
SPEAKER_00Which is so good. But I feel like we never do this in horror movies. Like we don't smash knees or feet or hands. That's the shit that will fuck you up. It will. And what's fucking crazy is she goes down to the fridge to get ice for it. Girl. Bitch, run. Run. We're done. This ain't your house anymore. It's not. And then instead of like going towards the front door, which is directly across your kitchen, he comes in and he ends up claw ending her in the arm and she runs upstairs and locks herself in a room. Never upstairs. Why? I don't know, because it's the only way we get this finale. It's so fucking stupid. So he attacks her with the hammer again.
SPEAKER_01Like he ends up getting onto the balcony somehow. I guess climbing trees. You fucking know.
SPEAKER_00He's got little wormholes all over this house. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01She kicks him, he goes flying. This is very funny. Chucky though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he gets right back up, and this time, instead of using the hammer, he grabs a shard of glass. Yeah. He fucking stabs her. Like they bust out the doors into the hallway and flip over the railing.
SPEAKER_00And this is a weird, this is set up kind of like the pool where it's like a ton of layers. It's not just like stairs they go up. It's like stairs to a balcony to a yeah. And they tumble through the balcony, falling on the stairs, and he falls with the glass in her neck. So her the shard of glasses in her neck.
SPEAKER_01That is when Miss Sean and the principal show up. It appears that Mikey is dead on top of her. Correct.
SPEAKER_00He has no balls.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Because he has that stupid ball in his armpit again.
SPEAKER_00I guess, except he's on his belly laying on her chest. I know. Clearly not dead. Yeah. So whatever.
SPEAKER_01Um Mikey's faking it. And the principal goes into the living room or the dining room, he sets his gun down for a second. He has that gun that Rachel gave them in the beginning. Because we all just share guns casually. Mikey takes the gun and sets it back up. We all know he took the bullets out. Correct. So when the principal like turns, like a ball bounces by him and he turns to look, Mikey's standing there with the fucking bow and arrow. And the principal goes to pull the gun. There's no fucking bullets. And he gets yuck! He gets crossbowed straight through the stomach. Got him. So he's dead. Sean Michon does come in. She hears like a little bit of commotion. She finds a dead principal. This is my favorite part too. Mikey has a slingshot with one of them big marbles.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Big boys, he holds on to him. He says, Michon, can you teach me one more thing? How to die?
SPEAKER_03I do the line's so stupid.
SPEAKER_00He has so many one-liners like that. We're not going over all of them, but then he fucking and she sees the slingshot girl duck. She does not. She gets pegged straight in the forehead with a fucking marble the size of my fist and dies. What? I'm sorry, that would not kill you. No. So now Daddy's on his way home. We have the same scenario as before. Daddy's on his way home. He comes in. Hey slugger, how was your day? Fine, Daddy. I was just waiting for you. Come in here. I have a surprise for you. Brings him into the dining room, and he's got these motherfuckers sat up at the dining room table. And there's a skeleton in here, too. Yeah, just a random skeleton. Oh, it's the skeleton. It's this is actually this is kind of an important detail. Oh, yeah. This is the skeleton from his health class, which the principal told him previously, because Mikey had said, How old do you think he was? And he was like, Not much older than you, right? So it's around a 10-year-old boy in the house. How does he kill his dad? He puts all the gas stoves on. Oh, yeah. He had turned on all the stoves before his dad came home. First of all, dad, you didn't smell that? I know seriously. You walked in the house, the whole house smells like gas, you didn't smell it. For real. Um, and the house ends up exploding with Neil inside. Wait, because he has a fucking Molotov cocktail, bro.
SPEAKER_01And then he goes over to Jesse's house where Jesse's walking around.
SPEAKER_00There's all these pictures of Jesse around the house where Mikey has cut himself and pasted himself in, dude. It's so awesome. All over her pictures of herself in her house. Yeah, dude. When did he do that? I have literally no idea. He just killed eight people, but he did some arts and crafts in between. So the whole point is the house is exploded. Yeah. Right. And they're evaluating the scene, and we've got four dead adults and the skeleton of a 10-year-old boy. Yeah. Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. He's found walking on the road, disoriented, doesn't know who he is. He has no idea about his past. And they, and then it cuts to like the adoption agency.
SPEAKER_01And they're like, instead of trying to figure out who it was, we just want to get in place with a new family.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we went with Josh. We went with Josh. We went with Josh. Oh, it's such a beautiful name. And then the door opens, and the parents are like cuddled together looking at the door, and he goes, Hello, I'm Josh. I'm Josh. Are you my new mommy and daddy? I love you. The end. Oh, Mikey. Oh, Mikey. The violence is good. Yeah. I love his kills. They're all very clever. We could have tightened the middle up a little bit. The top and the bottom are both very fun. Yeah. But yeah, this is stupid. It's so stupid. It's really dumb. It's so stupid. And guys adopt, don't shop. Do you know what I'm saying? Adopt kids. They're great. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01If they want them, don't mind kill you. They might.
SPEAKER_00I mean, they probably won't though, okay? But they might. And honestly, you have your own. They might too. Yeah. No, seriously. Are they a white kid? Gonna kill you. Hate to break it too. Hate to break it too, but it's a possibility, okay? All right. Oh my god. Are they only my picks an eating? I had some.
unknownWhat the fuck, dude?
SPEAKER_00What is it? Sweet 16. Oh. From 1983. Yeah, of course. Where else would it be? We're Tubi girls over here. We're a Tubi family over here. I love that we're paying for 37 fucking movies. We literally have every single one. We have the best movies on Tubi, though.
SPEAKER_01What is it called? Um, it is Suite 16 from 1983, and it is on Tubi. Okay. So we will do that next week. Looks like it's another Killer Girls. Hell yeah! We were in a mood when we picked these movies. Our boyfriends are fine, you guys don't worry. They're fine.
SPEAKER_00They're but holes, on the other hand. Clean. Clean and pink. Clean, pink, and in danger. Anyway. All right, everybody. We will hopefully see you next week. If not, that's chill too. But like see you when we see you. See you when we see you. All right. Love you. Stay tuned. Stay nasty.
